I once heard a psychologist say that when we continue to hold onto painful thoughts and feelings, we are receiving a "payoff" from them that makes us continue to remain within a state that embraces the pain.
When I first heard this, I thought that it was a ridiculous statement to make and that it was disrespectful to those who have had unimaginable, unplanned, and unthinkable things happen to them.
After all, our world is a cruel world and no one knows what can happen at any given moment.
We can go from being victors to being victims in a flash.
We can go from being wealthy to being homeless in less than the time that it takes to conceive and birth a child.
That's happened before, and so have so many other tragedies and atrocities.
So anyone who has experienced hardships, difficulties, and disappointments in their lives should be seen with eyes of compassion and respect.
Is that right? Yes, I believe that it is true, to a certain extent.
I have a friend who lost a very young child.
It has now been 14 years since the death of the child, and she still talks about the pain as if it is still so very fresh and new to her.
I know that the death of her child has been traumatic and devastating, but I cringe when I think about the fact that the remaining child-her daughter, now 12, will somehow think that she is never going to be "enough" for her mother, who gives so much time, thought and energy to the pain and loss of the older child.
And will that always make the daughter feel as if she is never "enough" in any situation, whether that is work, school, marriage or even as a mother herself.
What far-reaching effects will her mother's pain have on her? My friend constantly cries and talks about the child that she lost, while overlooking the child that she still has.
When I told her I thought she should see a therapist, she said she could not afford it, but she gets paid very well and she spends thousands on shoes and purses alone.
Knowing this fact is an assurance to me that she does not want to get help.
She needs the pain, for whatever reason and for whatever "payoff" there is in it for her.
I've noticed that she seems to use her pain to get attention.
I offered to fund counseling for her, and she rejected it.
I have loved her and shown her much kindness; still she seems to embrace her pain and what was, while rejecting the possibilities of what can be.
She has a beautiful family, one that loves her very much.
So, what can we do when we want to embrace others who choose to embrace their past pains and hurts, instead? We keep loving them.
Sometimes, things happen...
When those things happen, we have the opportunity to become better people.
Being better and not bitter is the victor's choice.
A life of beauty and health and wealth await us, when we choose to become our "better" selves.
While we often don't have control over what happens to us, the choice to be happy, loving, and more fulfilled is ours to make.
When I first heard this, I thought that it was a ridiculous statement to make and that it was disrespectful to those who have had unimaginable, unplanned, and unthinkable things happen to them.
After all, our world is a cruel world and no one knows what can happen at any given moment.
We can go from being victors to being victims in a flash.
We can go from being wealthy to being homeless in less than the time that it takes to conceive and birth a child.
That's happened before, and so have so many other tragedies and atrocities.
So anyone who has experienced hardships, difficulties, and disappointments in their lives should be seen with eyes of compassion and respect.
Is that right? Yes, I believe that it is true, to a certain extent.
I have a friend who lost a very young child.
It has now been 14 years since the death of the child, and she still talks about the pain as if it is still so very fresh and new to her.
I know that the death of her child has been traumatic and devastating, but I cringe when I think about the fact that the remaining child-her daughter, now 12, will somehow think that she is never going to be "enough" for her mother, who gives so much time, thought and energy to the pain and loss of the older child.
And will that always make the daughter feel as if she is never "enough" in any situation, whether that is work, school, marriage or even as a mother herself.
What far-reaching effects will her mother's pain have on her? My friend constantly cries and talks about the child that she lost, while overlooking the child that she still has.
When I told her I thought she should see a therapist, she said she could not afford it, but she gets paid very well and she spends thousands on shoes and purses alone.
Knowing this fact is an assurance to me that she does not want to get help.
She needs the pain, for whatever reason and for whatever "payoff" there is in it for her.
I've noticed that she seems to use her pain to get attention.
I offered to fund counseling for her, and she rejected it.
I have loved her and shown her much kindness; still she seems to embrace her pain and what was, while rejecting the possibilities of what can be.
She has a beautiful family, one that loves her very much.
So, what can we do when we want to embrace others who choose to embrace their past pains and hurts, instead? We keep loving them.
Sometimes, things happen...
When those things happen, we have the opportunity to become better people.
Being better and not bitter is the victor's choice.
A life of beauty and health and wealth await us, when we choose to become our "better" selves.
While we often don't have control over what happens to us, the choice to be happy, loving, and more fulfilled is ours to make.
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