Everybody was dancing, partying.
Almost everybody was going to graduate.
Everybody was jubilant.
Among the future graduates, I was the only one who was sad, not participating that much in the party.
I was thinking about what could happen to me if someone reported me.
After a while, I decided to leave.
I did not stay at the party because I was trying to avoid trouble.
As I walked to my room, I felt pain, humiliation, desperation, and isolation.
Right now, I absolutely knew the complete literal definition of isolation.
I knew what did humiliation mean.
I knew the meaning of pain.
It wasn't the pain that I used to endure when I could not get in contact with Camellia, but now, it was a new type of pain, the pain that I could not get in contact with any girl at the university.
I felt isolated.
I felt humiliated.
Graduation was coming in two weeks.
I was prudent.
That was the best thing that I could do at that time.
The officer denied my access to get in contact with any female at the university, a university of thirty thousands students in which more than twenty thousands were females.
I stayed away from all females at the university.
I did not talk to them.
I did not talk to Sarah.
I did not talk to Camellia anymore.
I chose to do it.
I tried to protect myself.
Friends were coming to hug me.
I disappointed them.
I chose to run away from them.
I walked away from them.
I stayed away from them.
I talked to only Betty because at that time she was not at the university.
She was a sophomore at a community college.
I talked to her only on the phone.
I did not talk to anyone at the university.
The most painful thing that I could experience in my life at that time was that I did not have access to talk to even my female professors.
I did not tell my mother and my father about all the things that I was going through at the university.
They had told me to be careful.
My father used to tell me things about friends.
My mothers used to tell me about how women in this country were.
I could not tell them anything.
I felt embarrassed to tell them that because they told me to be careful.
"Be careful," I remembered that my mother especially told me before I left to go to school.
It had been two days away.
My graduation was coming.
Betty called me.
"How are you doing?" she asked.
I responded, "I am doing terrible.
" "What's wrong?" she asked.
"When is your graduation?" "Two days away from today," I responded.
"I have an invitation card for you.
" "Okay," said Betty.
"Thank you.
" "I got reported to the police for the first time in my life," I said.
"Everything is always?" she asked.
I responded, "Not really, but I am okay.
" She laughed on the phone suspiciously.
She told me that there would be a party at her house at the day of my graduation.
"Will you like to come?" she asked.
I responded, "Yes.
" "Can you come to pick me up?" I said.
"You know that I do not have a car.
" "Yes," she said.
"I will call you," I said, "when it is time.
When I am around the street, I will let you know so that you can come to take the card.
" "Okay," responded Betty.
"I will come.
"Okay," I said.
"Sarah is still suffering for you," said Betty.
I said nothing.
"Good bye," said Betty.
"Bye," I responded.
I hanged off the phone.
The next day had come.
I met Betty down the street.
I handed her the invitation card.
Despite the pain, the humiliation, and the isolation that I faced at the university, I did not give up.
I stayed strong when it came to studying or focusing.
I passed all my classes.
I was totally ready for graduation.
I remembered that I had called my father one week before my graduation to tell him that I was ready.
I had also called my mother.
Now, I felt pain.
I kept thinking about how I would get in contact with my mother at the university at the day of my graduation.
I was fearful.
I was desperate more than ever before.
I kept thinking about what may happen to me if I got in contact with my mother at my graduation on campus.
I was thinking about how easy that it could be for me to go to jail or get mess up.
I may not even have chance to participate in the ceremony.
Isolation, suffering, or humiliation, once an intangible, was now something that I felt deeper.
It wasn't the one that I felt before.
It wasn't the type of isolation that I used to face at the university when I used to be alone in the corner.
It wasn't the tears that used to be in my eyes when I felt pain, but now, it was more than tearful eyes.
It was a new type of humiliation, the humiliation that I could not even get in contact with my mother at the university when she came to my graduation.
That was something that I could not believe.
I would feel pain and humiliation again at my graduation.
As I got at the auditorium, I saw beauty.
The entire auditorium was decorated.
Thousands of people were standing to cheer the graduates who just came in.
The parents were making noises.
Everyone was boisterous in the auditorium.
After a while, everyone was singing the national anthem.
Now, it became time for everyone to sit down.
As I sat on the chair, I cried secretly to myself.
At that time, I kept thinking about how I did almost not have chance to be in an event like that.
I had been waiting for that event since the first day I went to school.
My ultimate goal was graduating from a university.
I was sitting between two girls.
Frustration used to break my heart into pieces.
Now, it was killing me.
I kept thinking about what could happen to me if one of the girls reported me.
They talked to me.
I chose not to respond.
I wasn't an assault.
Now, I chose to be one.
I did not do it with all my heart, but I had to do it to protect myself.
I did not respond to any word that the girls said.
I would feel deeper pain and deeper humiliation when it was time for the graduates to walk across the stage.
As I walked across the stage, I felt frustrated.
My heart was beating rapidly.
I felt pain.
It was really cold despite that it was May.
The deeper fear came when I had to shake hands with all the faculties at the stadium.
I kept thinking about what could happen to me if I shook hands with a female faculty.
I reflected something.
So I chose to shake hands with only the male faculties.
I skipped all the female faculties.
It was time for me right now to shake hands with the president of the university.
The president was a female.
She would be the last person that I had to shake hands with.
Also, I had to take a picture with her.
Instead, I ignored her on her way.
I walked straight without hesitation.
I did not say a word.
I took a deep breath.
I closed my eyes.
I talked silently to Jesus, saying thank you to him for helping me to achieve this goal.
He saved me from all the potential negative consequences.
I pointed my hands on my face.
I made a cross-the father, the son, the Holy Spirit, and the amen.
I went to sit.
As I was sitting on the chair, I remained silently for a couple of minutes to thank God for giving me the chance to participate in that event.
I prayed him.
I would feel it deeper, deeper, when it was time for the graduation to over.
Now became time for the graduates to leave the room.
The audience would follow them as usual.
My mother, the lady who sold candy down the street to support me so that I could see that day, the lady who carried me for night months, the lady who faced a lot of pain and humiliation in her life because of me to let me see that day, came to my mind.
How would she feel if I did not hug her, kiss her, or take picture with her? As I got out at the auditorium, she waived her hands at me.
My father also did.
My father and my mother took picture of me as I was among the students and faculties.
When I was outside, I was thinking about going straight home because I did not want to offend my mother.
As I headed home, friends were waiving hands at me.
I ignored them.
I ignored the backstabbers, the people who I thought were my friends but then they attempted in causing my downfall.
They tried to hug me.
I chose to walk away from them.
I did not get in contact with them at all.
I ignored them.
I did not want to get in trouble.
Evens, one of the policemen, saw me.
He said, "Good job.
" My mother was coming to me.
I felt desperate.
I felt pain.
I did not know what to do.
I did not want to hurt her.
But it was at that time that I did know what it meant to be a mother.
"Mothers are not friends who attempt in causing your downfall.
Mothers are not backstabbers who try to hurt their friends," I kept saying.
At that time, I knew what did it mean to be made with someone's blood.
I knew what DNA meant.
I knew what ancestors meant.
I recalled what my father told me.
"Mothers are not friends who are cold and hot waters," I kept saying.
I felt my blood was running so fast in my vain.
I felt somehow different.
I recalled what the police said.
I said to myself, "Mothers are the ones who care, not the ones who try to mess up.
" I remembered that my hands were in my pockets.
But when my mother was coming to me, I put them up.
I resigned to all the things that may happen to me.
My mother hugged me, and I hugged her.
I kissed her.
She kissed me tenderly.
"Good job Nicky," she said.
"I am very proud of you my son.
' "Thank you mother," I said.
"I value your hard work.
" My phone rang.
It was a call from Betty.
She asked me, "Where are you?" I told her that I was home.
I would meet her down the street in half of an hour.
I did that to Betty because I knew what may happen to me if they caught me with her on campus.
I knew that I could not get in contact with her.
I saw her coming outside the gymnasium; I went to sit by one of the corners at the school.
As I was at the corner, I thought about all the pain that I went through.
The corner helped me to remember all the isolation and all the suffering that I faced at the university.
It was where that I used to sit when I felt lonely, when I felt pain, and when I felt humiliated.
I saw that Betty got in her car.
She drove.
I left the corner.
I told my mother and my father that we had to leave.
"Can we stay for a while?" asked my mother.
"We have to go," I said to my mother.
I knew.
My mother did not know why I said that.
But I knew.
I knew better why.
When we arrived, I got out at the car.
I left mom and dad in the car.
I went to my dorm.
I took my suitcases.
I gave my room's key to the resident assistant in the front desk of the IVP room, the main village room.
The suitcases had roulettes.
I rolled them.
When I arrived in front of the car, I opened the door.
I put them in the car.
I remembered before I put the suitcases in the car, I had called Betty and told her to come to pick me up.
"I am coming," said Betty.
"If you can come in a quarter of an hour," I said, "it will be great.
" "Okay," responded Betty.
As my father drove the car, I told him that my friend would come to pick me up for the party, the party that I had talked to him about, so he had to stop for me please by the store down the street.
I called Betty.
I told her that I was in front of the store down the street.
"I'll be there in less than five minutes," said Betty.
After a while, as I sat in the car, I saw that Betty was coming.
"I saw her coming," I said to mom and dad.
I got out in the car.
My mom and dad also got out.
After a while, Betty was with us.
She opened the door of her car to waive her hand at me before she stepped out.
When Betty stepped out, she hugged me.
I did not want to hug because I remembered my terrible experience at the university, but I had no choice.
I had to receive the hug.
I could not deceive her.
She also hugged mom and dad.
I introduced mom and dad to her, and I introduced her to mom and dad.
I told my parents that I had to go with Betty.
I would be home tomorrow.
Betty would drive me.
"Take care of the suitcases for me please," I said.
"Okay," they responded.
I hugged mom and dad before they left.
They got in the car.
They drove slowly.
They waived their hands at me as they drove as a way to show to me love or affection or to congratulate me for my accomplishment.
The way that they showed me love helped me to cope with the isolation, the suffering, and the humiliation that I faced at the university.
Betty drove the car.
When we arrived, we parked in front of the garage.
Betty got out in the car.
"Betty," I heard someone said as I was in the car.
"Where is Nicky?.
" "He is in the car Sarah," responded Betty.
As I got out in the car, Sarah jumped on me as she said loudly, "Nicky! Nicky! How are you doing?" She hugged me and kissed me affectionately.
"I am good," I responded.
I did not want to hug or get in contact with her, but I could not deceive her.
If it was at the university, I would not get in contact with her.
"I have been thinking about you for days," she said.
"It's been a while since we haven't heard from each other.
I called you.
No one picked up the phone.
I went to your room, knocking on your door.
No one responded.
" "I am here," I responded.
"I had some stuff to take care of.
" "Anyway, it is wonderful to see you today," said Sarah.
I responded, "Okay.
" "It is time to get inside," said Betty.
Betty locked the car's doors.
She said, "Let's go.
" She walked.
Sarah and I followed her.
We walked slowly.
Sarah was escorting me as I walked, telling me about a lot of things that she had been going through.
She told me that her graduation was tomorrow.
"I know that you are going to leave," she said.
"Tonight, we have to make up things.
" When we arrived, Betty knocked on the door.
As the door opened, I saw that it was Camellia who was coming to open the door.
She did not say a word to me, but she talked to Sarah and Betty.
I got in the room.
The room was fully decorated.
Music was playing.
People were dancing, drinking beer, and eating on the tables.
The tables were full of food.
They had a lot of cups.
People used those cups to drink.
Some of the cups were on the table alone, containing drinks or alcohol.
Some people left them on the table to go to dance.
There were more than five tables in the room.
Some of them had fruits.
Some had cakes.
Some of them had rise, pizza, or chicken, and others had flowers that were used for decoration.
Different colors of lights brightened the room.
The music playing was superb.
You could hear the music even if you were outside.
The party was outraging.
Couples were making out.
The entire people at the party dressed professionally.
They wore business attire.
As I walked in the room, "You can sit on this chair," said Betty.
I responded, "Thank you.
" "How was your graduation?" said Betty.
"I was there.
I saw you when you walked across the stage.
There was a big screen.
Everyone could see.
" "Really," I responded.
"The graduation was great to me.
I had been waiting for that day for so long.
" "That is good to hear," said Betty.
"Okay," I said.
"Camellia is there," Betty said.
" Today, have you ever talked to her before?" "No," I responded.
"I do not want to.
" "Why?" asked Betty.
"I have some circumstances upon me.
I can't get in contact with her.
I talked to Sarah because she was the one who initiated the conversation.
I talked to her also because I was not at the university.
Otherwise, I would not.
I did not want to talk to her.
But I could not deceive her because of the way she approached me.
She came too strong, and I could not resist," I said.
"What's wrong?" asked Betty.
I responded, "None.
" "You can serve yourself," said Betty.
I grabbed a cup, opening a bottle of Barbancourt Rhum.
I drank.
Betty asked me, "May you dance that music with me?" I did not want to dance, but I responded, "Yes.
" She took my hands.
She stood up.
I stood up.
We started to dance.
Betty said, "Nicky, you are my friends.
I have something that is very important that I want to talk to you about.
I hope that you listen to me.
" "Okay," I responded.
"Don't you know how does it feel to love someone?" she asked.
"Don't you know how painful that it is, especially when the person does not take your feeling in consideration?" "I know," I responded, "and I experienced it.
" "It had been a long time since Sarah had been suffering for you," she said.
"I know," I responded.
"You have to take that in consideration.
You cannot do that to someone who really loves you or to someone who is dying for you," she said.
"I am not interested in dating right now," I said.
"I have been going through too much.
Right now, I am trying to cope with the pain that I have been gone through.
" The music was now over.
Betty and I went to sit back in front of the table after a while.
Sarah and Camellia were on the other table that was next to us.
They were talking about their personal affairs.
No one could know what they were talking about.
After a while, I grabbed a plate on the table.
I put some food in it.
I stood up.
I passed from table to table.
I put many different type of fruits in the plate.
I ate.
I could not eat the entire food on the plate.
I was still trying to cope with all the pain that I had been facing in my life.
I stood up.
I threw the rest of the food in the garbage can.
On my way back, I went to another table.
I took another plate.
I put cake in it.
Cake was something that I had liked a lot since I was a child.
I took some liquor and some creams.
I ate everything.
Sarah said, "May I dance this music with you please?" I did not want to dance, but I was obligated to responded, "Yes.
" As I was dancing with her, I was too fearful, fearful.
I did not trust any friend anymore.
"You know that I am dying for you Nicky," said Sarah.
"I love you.
" "I am sorry," I said.
"There is nothing that I can do at this time.
I have my own problem.
I am not interested in dating anybody right now.
My heart doesn't belong to anyone right now.
" After I said that to her, I could feel that she was in tears.
"I'll be back," she said.
She went straight outside.
She did not say a word to any other one.
I stepped outside after a while.
I stayed in front of the door, watching people who passed by.
I could not hear anything but the music playing.
I saw that the Sunset fell past the horizon, as a black haze fixed itself over the sky, perilous lightning strikes filled the sky, and the moon glowed over the sky, creating a gloomy look over the waxing sky.
Black cloud loomed.
After a while, I went in back and sat on the chair.
As I sat on the chair, I saw a man coming to talk to Camellia.
He said something in her right ear.
Camellia stood up and went outside.
Betty and I were sitting in front of the table.
"Why are you so quiet?" said Betty.
"Talk.
" "Nothing," I said.
"I feel that something doesn't go well.
" " You were dancing with Sarah," said Betty.
"There must be good news.
" "None," I said.
"You know that if there was something, I would let you know.
" "Okay," she replied.
"I hope that everything is okay before you go back home.
" I responded, "Okay.
" Camellia was coming.
"Betty," shrieked Camellia as she walked.
"Come outside! I need your help! Come help me please.
" Betty abruptly stood up.
She said to me, "I'll be back.
" I left alone on the table.
As I was on the table, I recalled all the pain that I went through at the university, starting to think about my voyage for tomorrow morning.
I realized that no matter where I would go, no matter where life would put me, or no matter what I would become, I would never be too friendly anymore so that I would not fall in a hot water like I fell at the university.
I would control my feeling and would not fall in love for people who would not feel the same way that I did.
I knew that I would get hurt by almost all the thing that they would do to me as my father told me.
I would be careful, especially with females.
I recalled what my father had told me.
I recalled also what the officer had told me.
From there, I knew better how painful that it was to love somebody and not be loved in return.
Love-the intense feeling of deep affection-caused me pain.
"I will be careful," I kept saying.
"I will be careful.
I will be careful.
" I took a deep breath.
Something came to my mind after a while.
"I will not continue to allow the weak and irrational heart takes precedence over the rational mind," I said to myself.
People were going out one by one.
They were coming in and out.
After less than a quarter of an hour, everyone left the room, but I was alone in the room.
The music stopped playing.
As a result, I decided to step outside.
I opened the door.
As I was in front of the door, I heard a voice.
I heard someone crying loudly.
I heard a female voice.
I felt remorse to ear someone crying.
I felt frustrated.
I felt pain.
I decided to step outside.
I wanted to know what was wrong.
After a while, I was on my way to go to see what was happening.
I wondered, was someone dying? Why most people left the room? Did something wrong happen to someone at the party? "What's wrong?" I asked myself.
"What's wrong?" As I approached, I could see a lot of people at the party at the parking garage.
I wondered, why were they here? What was this? Was someone dying? But I knew.
I knew for better sure that something was wrong.
I did not know what it was, but I knew that someone was crying.
When I arrived, I saw that Betty and Camellia put their arms around the person who was crying to comfort her.
Her head was down.
Camellia in an intelligent way tried to use some good persuasive statements to convince her.
"You will have him.
Don't let your heart drive you crazy," I heard Camellia say.
"He will leave by tomorrow to go home," I heard she responded.
A lot of people put their hands up on the top of their heads.
Even Betty's father put his right hand on his face.
"I love him," I heard she said.
"I do not know what to do.
I cannot fight this feeling anymore.
" "What's wrong?" I asked.
"What's wrong?" "Close your mouth," said Camellia.
"Nicky! I could hear your voice," Betty yield.
"She is crying for you.
" "Who is crying for me," I responded.
Betty said, "Sa...
" As I approached, I saw Sarah crying.
Her head was down.
When I arrived, I put my right hand around her right shoulder to comfort her.
"What's wrong?" I said.
"Tell me what happen.
" She was crying.
She could not say a word, but I could hear that she was crying.
She was in tears.
I tenderly used my right hand to lift her head up.
I felt pain to see her crying.
Sarah had been a good friend to me.
I really loved her as a friend.
"What's wrong?" I said to her.
"Please tell me what happen.
Don't you know that it hurts me so deep down inside to see that you are crying? I cannot see my friend crying.
Please tell me what happen.
" "I am suffering for you," she said as she was crying.
"It is love that I feel for you.
It stays love.
And it is powerful.
I know that love is pain.
That's why I am crying right now.
That's why I feel pain right now.
My love for you is powerful.
Nick, I love you, and I cannot help myself with this feeling anymore.
I can't help myself.
I can't fight this feeling anymore.
" As my knees were on the floor, I felt it again.
And I knew how it felt.
Someone was crying for me.
Someone cared about me, loving me.
I felt pain in my vain, in my own flesh, or in my blood.
I recalled again what the officer had told me.
He had told me, "If I have to get mess up, I will get mess up for someone who cares about me.
" I felt pain to see that someone was crying for me.
I knew.
I knew better how it felt.
Sympathy, once an intangible, was now something that I felt for Sarah.
"Please don't cry," I tenderly said to her.
"But I need your love to stop the tears," she said softly.
"Nick! I love you.
I love you.
I love you Nicky.
" "I love you too," I tenderly responded.
She abruptly hugged me and kissed me.
She said nothing, but she cried softly as she affectionately hugged me and kissed me.
We were in the middle of the people who were at the party at the parking garage.
They encircled us.
They applauded as they felt happy that help was coming.
Betty was on our right side.
Camellia was on our left side.
"I am happy for both of us," said Camellia.
"Nick, now, we can be friends.
" "Okay," I responded.
Betty smiled suspiciously; she looked at Camellia, Sarah, and me as she knew something.
The next day had come.
As Betty drove me home, she secretly told me that Camellia was the one who had reported me to the police.
She did that because she did not want to talk to me.
"You kept annoying her.
The girl doesn't like you," said Betty.
Betty went on to say that Camellia also did that because she had her own problem at that time.
"Camellia's problem was that Sarah, her friend, was in pain because of you," said Betty.
"She wanted you to go with Sarah.
She said that she had to do something with you so that you could leave her alone.
" I said nothing, taking deep breath.
"Good luck with her," said Betty.
"I hope that you stay friends guys.
" "I knew.
I knew that somehow, but I wasn't totally sure," I said.
When we arrived, I said thank you to Betty.
She gave me a final hug.
I did not want to hug, but I could not deceive her.
I was trying to be careful.
I said good bye to her before I headed to my mom's room.
"Good luck with Sarah," she said before she left.
After a couple of weeks, I received a letter from the university police.
As stated in the letter, "We trespass you at the university campus because you were getting in contact with a lady at the day of your graduation.
" "I knew, and I knew better," I said to myself.
"I know better and realize that it was my mom.
It's not a big deal.
" I could not cause my mom the pain.