Open, honest and direct expression can be the most effective way of managing anger! Here's how to do it:

• Remind yourself that anger is a normal, human emotion
• Use open body language and direct eye contact
• Speak in a firm voice (but not threatening)
• Don't attack or blame the other person
• Focus on the behavior that triggered your anger
• Use "I" statements
• Don't drag in old issues
• Avoid words/statements you'll regret later

For example:

• You just said or did..
  ..
  I feel angry and upset.
  
• Not:You are an inconsiderate slime ball.
  I'm going to bash...
  

As you can see, expressing anger really is just a form of assertion.
And, as we did with assertion, we offer...
A Word of Caution Sometimes, overtly expressing your anger would be inappropriate.
Thus the whenever feasible portion of the 4th Rule.
For example, it probably would not be feasible when:

• Dealing with aggressive persons - especially those in authority or who are likely to react with violence (e.
  g.
  , bullies).
  
• Dealing with a child or especially sensitive adult - who might become frightened or emotionally bruised.
  
• Providing performance feedback to an employee or behavior feedback to a friend.
  [Feedback should focus on the other person's behavior, rather than on your feelings.
  ]
• Expressing anger (at that time) would be disruptive to the situation, e.
  g.
  , during a group meeting, while driving, out in public, etc.
  [If timing is the constraint - postpone your anger expression, don't cancel it.
  ]

In such circumstances, you still can express your anger, but do it to a third party (or to an empty chair).
Violating the 4th Rule by Escalating Instead of expressing your anger, are you escalating? Escalators blame and shame the person who provoked their anger.
This can take the form of insults, profanity, hostility, or even sarcasm - expressed verbally or non-verbally (facial expressions and body language).
Escalating does have a direct and immediate negative effect.
At a minimum, it alienates others.
And it can lead to physical abuse, perpetrated by the escalator or by the person who is blamed.
Some reasons we escalate are:

1. Feeling I have no other choice
2. To project an image of strength/power
3. To avoid expressing underlying feelings
4. Fear of getting close to someone
5. It's a learned behavior (i.
   e.
   , our parents, teachers and/or childhood peers did it)

What about you - why do you escalate? Practice Activity Step #1: Enlist the services of someone with whom you feel comfortable to be a listener for this practice exercise ...
or just use an empty chair.
Step #2: Imagine yourself in one of these anger-provoking situations:

Situation 1 - The Demanding Supervisor Your supervisor has been making unrealistic demands (e.
g.
, absurd deadlines) and been verbally abusive when these demands are not met.
You've had it up to here! Nothing you do is right.
Situation 2 - The Denied Insurance Claim Your health insurance provider has denied your medical insurance claim.
It was for a somewhat unusual procedure to treat a serious condition of your child/spouse/self.
[Select whatever's applicable to you.
] You - and your doctor - regard the procedure as absolutely necessary.
You are furious! Situation 3 - The Work/Life Crisis Occasionally, you need to take time off, come in late or leave a bit early ...
in order to take care of personal business [e.
g.
, child care, if applicable to you].
Every time you do, your supervisor gives you a hard time.
And now, s/he has given you a written warning about it.
It's unfair! You're angry ...
and frightened (you need to keep your job and you need to deal with these personal issues).

Step #3: Express your anger to the listener (or chair).
Step #4: Reflect on what you said and did.
If you worked with a listener, ask for feedback.
To what extent did you truly express your anger, rather than engage in any of the alternatives (e.
g.
, stuff or escalate)? See our other articles on Anger Management to learn about the four other rules and about the other way many people violate those rules (by stuffing their anger).