You want to know how to make friends? So you're shy. Your social life is not going anywhere fast. Your colleagues talk animatedly about all the social events they have been to last weekend or the ones coming up next. You live in horror of the inevitable question "So, what are you doing next weekend then? You wish with all your heart that you knew how to become the guest that everyone wants to invite to their barbeque, pot luck dinner, on a double date, a picnic or something more formal.
Or are you one of those people who do get invited but find that you are not asked back for a second time? It doesn't have to be painful to impress people you want to see more of. It doesn't have to be you spending weekends alone. If you practise these easy tips on how to have successful conversations.
Firstly, cultivate conversation starters. Once you start, you will find that a whole new world will open up to you. Firstly, open conversations with everyone you meet. The counter clerk at your local convenience store, the desk jockey at the library, the sales assistant at the hardware store, the wait staff at your favourite café, the person standing next to you at the bus stop or travelling in the bus or train with you. Get the picture?
This technique works amazingly well with people you meet in the course of buying something. Wait until they are half way through serving and then simply ask "How are you doing today?" This is an extremely effective way to connect. The key here is to wait, then ask. This approach will cause the person serving you to pause and look at you and really engage. And then all you have to do is listen and ask questions as they cue you in! Easy as! And guess what? The more you do this, the more opportunities that will open up for you to strike up conversations. People often want to keep talking even though they have other customers waiting!
Another area to work on is being aware of how the other person sees you. That is, your body language. Practise looking people in the eye, smiling when you ask how they are, nodding when they respond and focusing on what they are saying. If you feel nervous or shy, then I always say "fake it till you make it"; that is act as if you are confident. Spend some time every day visualising how successfully you will talk to people and feel how good it is to connect with people. This will help enormously.
Once you have mastered this art, people will want to talk to you. Your work colleagues will notice you in a different way and you will begin to get invitations to social outings. To be someone who gets invited back again and again there are some things to remember about what to do and how to participate throughout the event.
Put your best foot forward. Dress your best and for the occasion. This means if it is casual, wear casual clothes - but your best casual outfit. If it is formal then dress formally.
If it is a relaxed event, then arrive on time. Don't get there 15 minutes early when your hosts are still rushing around organising things. This is awkward. If it is something more formal, then you can arrive a few minutes before the stated time as this will help you to orient yourself.
While you are there, introduce yourself to people and use your expertise in starting and conducting conversations. Socially confident people introduce information about themselves earlier in the conversation. Don't wait for the other person to ask your name. Introduce yourself early and ask for their name. Then use it. They say we need to say something five times aloud before we truly remember it. So remember to use their name when you ask them a question. Follow up with a question about them like those listed below and look for interests in common.
Here are some tips to move the conversation onto more a more personal level:
- use the environment. Make a comment about your surroundings.
- share little things about recent events; movies, new cafes you have tried
- how about a book you recently read; ask what interesting books they have read
- keep up with current events and share these: news, sports, community events
- ask open ended questions beginning with what, where, when
- remember to listen and be enthusiastic about what you are hearing
- give compliments about an article of clothing and ask where they got it
- relax, make eye contact and shake hands when you meet
- recall previous conversations you may have had with the same person and ask for an update or if things have changed or what
has happened since you last met
- finally, if things are dragging let the conversation go. You wont connect with everyone.
Keep an eye on how the event unfolds and take cues for when it might be time to leave from others. Remember, always thank the hosts and don't gush. A simple thank you for a lovely time, or "thank you for organising this, I had a great time" will be enough. Only offer to help if you can see this would be appropriate. A rule of thumb is the more formal the occasion, the less this would be seen as the right thing to do.
Or are you one of those people who do get invited but find that you are not asked back for a second time? It doesn't have to be painful to impress people you want to see more of. It doesn't have to be you spending weekends alone. If you practise these easy tips on how to have successful conversations.
Firstly, cultivate conversation starters. Once you start, you will find that a whole new world will open up to you. Firstly, open conversations with everyone you meet. The counter clerk at your local convenience store, the desk jockey at the library, the sales assistant at the hardware store, the wait staff at your favourite café, the person standing next to you at the bus stop or travelling in the bus or train with you. Get the picture?
This technique works amazingly well with people you meet in the course of buying something. Wait until they are half way through serving and then simply ask "How are you doing today?" This is an extremely effective way to connect. The key here is to wait, then ask. This approach will cause the person serving you to pause and look at you and really engage. And then all you have to do is listen and ask questions as they cue you in! Easy as! And guess what? The more you do this, the more opportunities that will open up for you to strike up conversations. People often want to keep talking even though they have other customers waiting!
Another area to work on is being aware of how the other person sees you. That is, your body language. Practise looking people in the eye, smiling when you ask how they are, nodding when they respond and focusing on what they are saying. If you feel nervous or shy, then I always say "fake it till you make it"; that is act as if you are confident. Spend some time every day visualising how successfully you will talk to people and feel how good it is to connect with people. This will help enormously.
Once you have mastered this art, people will want to talk to you. Your work colleagues will notice you in a different way and you will begin to get invitations to social outings. To be someone who gets invited back again and again there are some things to remember about what to do and how to participate throughout the event.
Put your best foot forward. Dress your best and for the occasion. This means if it is casual, wear casual clothes - but your best casual outfit. If it is formal then dress formally.
If it is a relaxed event, then arrive on time. Don't get there 15 minutes early when your hosts are still rushing around organising things. This is awkward. If it is something more formal, then you can arrive a few minutes before the stated time as this will help you to orient yourself.
While you are there, introduce yourself to people and use your expertise in starting and conducting conversations. Socially confident people introduce information about themselves earlier in the conversation. Don't wait for the other person to ask your name. Introduce yourself early and ask for their name. Then use it. They say we need to say something five times aloud before we truly remember it. So remember to use their name when you ask them a question. Follow up with a question about them like those listed below and look for interests in common.
Here are some tips to move the conversation onto more a more personal level:
- use the environment. Make a comment about your surroundings.
- share little things about recent events; movies, new cafes you have tried
- how about a book you recently read; ask what interesting books they have read
- keep up with current events and share these: news, sports, community events
- ask open ended questions beginning with what, where, when
- remember to listen and be enthusiastic about what you are hearing
- give compliments about an article of clothing and ask where they got it
- relax, make eye contact and shake hands when you meet
- recall previous conversations you may have had with the same person and ask for an update or if things have changed or what
has happened since you last met
- finally, if things are dragging let the conversation go. You wont connect with everyone.
Keep an eye on how the event unfolds and take cues for when it might be time to leave from others. Remember, always thank the hosts and don't gush. A simple thank you for a lovely time, or "thank you for organising this, I had a great time" will be enough. Only offer to help if you can see this would be appropriate. A rule of thumb is the more formal the occasion, the less this would be seen as the right thing to do.
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