So many times, I have worked with couples where one would say something such as, "He's my best friend.
But there just is not the romance I crave.
I have to have that.
" Then I watch as this person leaves her best friend to seek the Prince Charming of her dreams.
Never have I seen it work.
The thrill of heated romance can fulfill for a while, but seemingly without exception I see the person eventually sad that she sacrificed her best friend for a romantic feeling that felt so wonderful but subsided with time.
Rather than buying into the love touted in movies and novels, one would do so much better - and have a much more fulfilling life across the years - if he or she understood the goal of human coupling is not excitement, but contentment that comes from fulfillment.
It is not a constant thrill, but rather a life-long acceptance.
It is not a fluttering stomach and constant intrusive thinking of the beloved, but an assurance that there is one person who loves you day in and day out, who will always accept you as you are, and who will stand beside you no matter what.
It is inevitably what people crave as they grow older and have a much wiser perspective of life, but so often, it is what they throw away when they are young and seeking fairytales rather than reality.
Science continues to bring us wonderful new discoveries about what our God designed into our bodies and what happens inside them throughout the experience of love.
There are a number of intriguing findings about the attachment between husbands and wives in committed relationships.
For example, we know about oxytocin, a hormone in our bodies that increases trust and bonding.
When a mother is breast-feeding, her brain releases oxytocin so that she and her baby bond.
There is a beauty in the way God built us so that an act of motherhood feeds physical and emotional needs simultaneously.
However, the infant-mother bond is not the only time we see this chemical quietly doing its work.
Oxytocin is involved in the inducement of labor when the mother is about to give birth.
During the delivery, there is an oxytocin surge in both parents (assuming the father is present) so that a powerful bond between mother, father, and child is created.
If you are a parent, you remember that moment when you first saw your newborn.
You would have climbed any mountain or swam any sea for your new child because of this powerful connection.
Let us remove parenting from the equation for a moment.
We have also discovered that oxytocin levels are increased, at various levels, when we are affectionate in our love to a partner.
Cuddling, gentle touch, positive words, and other expressions of our love - all of these literally create "chemistry" between us.
There is a particularly strong rush of oxytocin when a husband and wife reach fulfillment when making love.
Yes, it happens in both the male and the female; attachment chemistry is an equal opportunity feel-good process.
When a couple makes love, they increase their attachment and mutual trust without even realizing it.
The marriage gets stronger because their bond gets stronger.
The list of benefits of this chemical God put within us is astounding.
A good steady flow of oxytocin calms stress and anxiety.
It reduces cravings, including those for drugs and alcohol.
Its presence seems to be involved with medications that combat depression.
Think about it this way: You might go to the gym for positive physical health benefits.
You can also love someone for positive mental, physical, and emotional health benefits.
Studies have shown for years that those who are committed in attachment to others, especially in marriage, tend to live longer and have fewer medical issues.
A good hug, a kind word, and regularly making love to one's spouse are good medicine.
These simple pleasures fight cravings, unhealthy dependencies, and even common depression.
Attachment makes people better caregivers, not only for their mates but also for other people, including their children.
Strong attachment helps people cope with stress.
It simply makes them healthier, more effective human beings.
Isn't love a wonderful thing? Think about it.
The initial rush of attraction is enough to send us chasing after someone we want, but we could never sustain that level of passion over time.
We would obsess over one another forever, we would be emotionally intoxicated, and we would have few inhibitions.
The world would be in trouble! Humans would have died out long ago because rather than planting crops or raising animals, everyone would be under a tree kissing their beloved.
It makes sense that we are designed to sustain that level of desire for a limited period.
Then, we begin the process of lifelong attachment.
It is less about hearts, flowers, and uncontrolled passion, and more about touches, conversations, and genuine friendship.
In both stages, the chemicals do their thing, whether it is to push us into action or keep us knit tightly together.
Genuine attachment maintains itself for a lifetime.
by Joe Beam
But there just is not the romance I crave.
I have to have that.
" Then I watch as this person leaves her best friend to seek the Prince Charming of her dreams.
Never have I seen it work.
The thrill of heated romance can fulfill for a while, but seemingly without exception I see the person eventually sad that she sacrificed her best friend for a romantic feeling that felt so wonderful but subsided with time.
Rather than buying into the love touted in movies and novels, one would do so much better - and have a much more fulfilling life across the years - if he or she understood the goal of human coupling is not excitement, but contentment that comes from fulfillment.
It is not a constant thrill, but rather a life-long acceptance.
It is not a fluttering stomach and constant intrusive thinking of the beloved, but an assurance that there is one person who loves you day in and day out, who will always accept you as you are, and who will stand beside you no matter what.
It is inevitably what people crave as they grow older and have a much wiser perspective of life, but so often, it is what they throw away when they are young and seeking fairytales rather than reality.
Science continues to bring us wonderful new discoveries about what our God designed into our bodies and what happens inside them throughout the experience of love.
There are a number of intriguing findings about the attachment between husbands and wives in committed relationships.
For example, we know about oxytocin, a hormone in our bodies that increases trust and bonding.
When a mother is breast-feeding, her brain releases oxytocin so that she and her baby bond.
There is a beauty in the way God built us so that an act of motherhood feeds physical and emotional needs simultaneously.
However, the infant-mother bond is not the only time we see this chemical quietly doing its work.
Oxytocin is involved in the inducement of labor when the mother is about to give birth.
During the delivery, there is an oxytocin surge in both parents (assuming the father is present) so that a powerful bond between mother, father, and child is created.
If you are a parent, you remember that moment when you first saw your newborn.
You would have climbed any mountain or swam any sea for your new child because of this powerful connection.
Let us remove parenting from the equation for a moment.
We have also discovered that oxytocin levels are increased, at various levels, when we are affectionate in our love to a partner.
Cuddling, gentle touch, positive words, and other expressions of our love - all of these literally create "chemistry" between us.
There is a particularly strong rush of oxytocin when a husband and wife reach fulfillment when making love.
Yes, it happens in both the male and the female; attachment chemistry is an equal opportunity feel-good process.
When a couple makes love, they increase their attachment and mutual trust without even realizing it.
The marriage gets stronger because their bond gets stronger.
The list of benefits of this chemical God put within us is astounding.
A good steady flow of oxytocin calms stress and anxiety.
It reduces cravings, including those for drugs and alcohol.
Its presence seems to be involved with medications that combat depression.
Think about it this way: You might go to the gym for positive physical health benefits.
You can also love someone for positive mental, physical, and emotional health benefits.
Studies have shown for years that those who are committed in attachment to others, especially in marriage, tend to live longer and have fewer medical issues.
A good hug, a kind word, and regularly making love to one's spouse are good medicine.
These simple pleasures fight cravings, unhealthy dependencies, and even common depression.
Attachment makes people better caregivers, not only for their mates but also for other people, including their children.
Strong attachment helps people cope with stress.
It simply makes them healthier, more effective human beings.
Isn't love a wonderful thing? Think about it.
The initial rush of attraction is enough to send us chasing after someone we want, but we could never sustain that level of passion over time.
We would obsess over one another forever, we would be emotionally intoxicated, and we would have few inhibitions.
The world would be in trouble! Humans would have died out long ago because rather than planting crops or raising animals, everyone would be under a tree kissing their beloved.
It makes sense that we are designed to sustain that level of desire for a limited period.
Then, we begin the process of lifelong attachment.
It is less about hearts, flowers, and uncontrolled passion, and more about touches, conversations, and genuine friendship.
In both stages, the chemicals do their thing, whether it is to push us into action or keep us knit tightly together.
Genuine attachment maintains itself for a lifetime.
by Joe Beam
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