I sometimes hear from wives who tell me that, during arguments or fights, their husband has said some very hateful and cruel remarks. Sometimes, these wives even tell me that their husband has told them that he hates them. Needless to say, this hurts the wives extremely deeply. It's one thing to be mad. It's another thing to actually tell someone that you out and out hate them.
These wives often worry that his saying that he hates them means that the marriage is in real trouble, that a divorce may be on the horizon, or that they are married to a cruel and insensitive man that might never change. Many of these wives ask me how to best handle this. Many wonder if they should stoop to their husband's level and say hurtful things back. (This is rarely the best idea.)
It's true that a spouse telling another spouse that they hate them is bordering on unacceptable. But, very often, this phrase is meant to get the other spouse's attention or to spur on some sort of reaction.
In fact, on my blog which discusses saving marriages, I hear from many husbands on the other side of this scenario. Many tell me that they don't really mean it when they say that they hate their wives. They will often say this in the heat of the moment or to get some sort of reaction. They often tell me things like: "I really don't hate my wife. The opposite is true. But I don't know how else to get her attention. We used to be happy but now our marriage needs some serious work. I'm not sure how else to get her to listen to me. I was just hoping to scare her enough so that she would work with me to change things."
Your Husband Probably Doesn't Hate You, But He Might Hate Some Things About His Life Or About Your Marriage: It's an unfair truth that you are likely a convenient target when the stress in your husband's life makes him to lash out. This doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it fair, but it is often the reality of the situation. It can sometimes help to not feed into it with your own retaliation because this usually only makes the situation worse.
While it can be difficult, it can often help if you can see the big picture. Sometimes, your husband is very frustrated in some areas of his life and he's disappointed that it doesn't seem (at least right now) that you are his safe place to fall. And sometimes, the stress in his life has nothing to do with you and isn't in any way your fault, but he was sometimes hoping that you would make the situation better.
When this doesn't happen, he will sometimes lash out without even realizing it or meaning to. It's very easily to take this personally, but that may only make the situation worse. Instead, it can really help to approach this as someone who wants to help rather than as someone who only wants to pile on with all of the other things that he is dealing with. (I know this can be difficult. My husband told me that he hated me as he was moving out and we were separating and this was very hurtful.)
How To Best Deal With Your Husband Telling You That He Hates You: Actually, I think it's best to address this very directly as it is happening. The next time your husband starts with his "I hate you" business, stop him right there and say something like: "I hear your words, but I don't think that this is the message that you want to send me. We're married. I love you and I know that deep down you love me too. But it's very obvious that something is bothering you. Is there anything that I can do to help? It hurts me to see you so upset that you would feel the need to say this type of hurtful things to me. I can and will try to make things better for you, but please don't speak to me that way as it only makes our situation worse."
In this way, you have addressed his hurtful actions and you have offered to lighten his load. This puts you in the best position that is possible in this scenario. Yes, it's very easy to yell at him and to engage, but this usually doesn't help and often only hurts. I know this first hand through my own experience.
These wives often worry that his saying that he hates them means that the marriage is in real trouble, that a divorce may be on the horizon, or that they are married to a cruel and insensitive man that might never change. Many of these wives ask me how to best handle this. Many wonder if they should stoop to their husband's level and say hurtful things back. (This is rarely the best idea.)
It's true that a spouse telling another spouse that they hate them is bordering on unacceptable. But, very often, this phrase is meant to get the other spouse's attention or to spur on some sort of reaction.
In fact, on my blog which discusses saving marriages, I hear from many husbands on the other side of this scenario. Many tell me that they don't really mean it when they say that they hate their wives. They will often say this in the heat of the moment or to get some sort of reaction. They often tell me things like: "I really don't hate my wife. The opposite is true. But I don't know how else to get her attention. We used to be happy but now our marriage needs some serious work. I'm not sure how else to get her to listen to me. I was just hoping to scare her enough so that she would work with me to change things."
Your Husband Probably Doesn't Hate You, But He Might Hate Some Things About His Life Or About Your Marriage: It's an unfair truth that you are likely a convenient target when the stress in your husband's life makes him to lash out. This doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it fair, but it is often the reality of the situation. It can sometimes help to not feed into it with your own retaliation because this usually only makes the situation worse.
While it can be difficult, it can often help if you can see the big picture. Sometimes, your husband is very frustrated in some areas of his life and he's disappointed that it doesn't seem (at least right now) that you are his safe place to fall. And sometimes, the stress in his life has nothing to do with you and isn't in any way your fault, but he was sometimes hoping that you would make the situation better.
When this doesn't happen, he will sometimes lash out without even realizing it or meaning to. It's very easily to take this personally, but that may only make the situation worse. Instead, it can really help to approach this as someone who wants to help rather than as someone who only wants to pile on with all of the other things that he is dealing with. (I know this can be difficult. My husband told me that he hated me as he was moving out and we were separating and this was very hurtful.)
How To Best Deal With Your Husband Telling You That He Hates You: Actually, I think it's best to address this very directly as it is happening. The next time your husband starts with his "I hate you" business, stop him right there and say something like: "I hear your words, but I don't think that this is the message that you want to send me. We're married. I love you and I know that deep down you love me too. But it's very obvious that something is bothering you. Is there anything that I can do to help? It hurts me to see you so upset that you would feel the need to say this type of hurtful things to me. I can and will try to make things better for you, but please don't speak to me that way as it only makes our situation worse."
In this way, you have addressed his hurtful actions and you have offered to lighten his load. This puts you in the best position that is possible in this scenario. Yes, it's very easy to yell at him and to engage, but this usually doesn't help and often only hurts. I know this first hand through my own experience.
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