Keep To The Topic Under Discussion
It is all too easy in a discussion to raise other issues which are not part of what is being discussed. Often the new topic is related to the one being discussed, but is one which the person who changed the subject feels more strongly about, or feels that they have a better chance of arguing successfully. The problem is that the other partner, the one who wanted to continue talking about the original topic, may feel aggrieved about being cut short, and this resentment will prevent a good discussion from continuing. The discussion about the original topic should ideally continue until both partners are satisfied that it has been resolved, or the timer signals the end of the discussion.
Avoid Closure And Remain Flexible
Again, it is very easy to become concerned with winning the argument, or with reaching a conclusion to the discussion. This is not the best approach, because such a conclusion is usually at the expense of one partner, who will feel defeated or at least misunderstood. It is much better to say at the end: 'We'll go on with the discussion another time', or to say: 'We will never agree, but I respect your right to have your own opinion.' What is more important is to remain flexible and to keep as many possibilities open as you can. For example, you should never use the word 'never'! Try to leave things as vague as you can at the end of any discussion. The priority is not to win the battle but to keep the relationship going.
Don't Be Afraid To Lose An Argument
Sometimes couples go on arguing until one wins or proves their point. The fact that they are in a competition means that neither of them can give in without losing face. However, if one partner deliberately decides to give in, and makes it clear that they are doing so, the other partner is faced with a dilemma. He/she can either go on with the argument and insist on winning, probably eventually feeling guilty for having done so, or both partners can join together and play the cooperative game. It is often better for both to find a way of getting out of the argument rather than allowing it to go on unabated.
Try Not To Blame The Other Person
This is of course easier said than done, but it is still worth the effort. Very few things in life are one person's fault exclusively.
In relationships there is always a long series of interactions leading up to a crisis, and each partner has to a greater or lesser extent contributed to the situation. The person who is being blamed in an argument will usually feel resentful about that, and needs to have a way of escaping from the argument without being humiliated. It requires an act of saintliness on the part of the other partner to avoid casting the blame if they feel it is deserved, but that is actually probably the best chance for an improvement in the general relationship. One possible way of dealing with the problem is to outlaw all discussion of blame and to proceed with the discussion as far as possible without criticizing.
Try to keep the discussion focused on the present and future A good and constructive discussion will usually avoid too many recriminations, and a good way to avoid these is to focus mainly on what you are doing in the 'here and now' or on your plans for the immediate future. It is easier to avoid blame if you can keep away from the past in your discussions. If you are able to do so, concentrate on planning what you can do about the problems rather than trying to establish the causes of them.
Exercise: Communication Training
Set up a timed discussion (ten minutes without interruption)
Decide what you want to talk about (it might be a recent TV program, a book or a magazine article that one or both of you has read)
Speak from the 'I' position; in other words start your sentences with 'I'
Speak in short sentences and leave a gap for your partner to respond
Show that you understand where your partner is coming from (empathize)
Respect your partner's sensitivities
Try to end everything you say with a positive comment
Keep to the topic under discussion
Try not to blame each other
Avoid making summing up or closing remarks; leave issues open
Don't be afraid to lose an argument (as a tactic)
If your views are at odds with your partner's, 'agree to differ'
It is all too easy in a discussion to raise other issues which are not part of what is being discussed. Often the new topic is related to the one being discussed, but is one which the person who changed the subject feels more strongly about, or feels that they have a better chance of arguing successfully. The problem is that the other partner, the one who wanted to continue talking about the original topic, may feel aggrieved about being cut short, and this resentment will prevent a good discussion from continuing. The discussion about the original topic should ideally continue until both partners are satisfied that it has been resolved, or the timer signals the end of the discussion.
Avoid Closure And Remain Flexible
Again, it is very easy to become concerned with winning the argument, or with reaching a conclusion to the discussion. This is not the best approach, because such a conclusion is usually at the expense of one partner, who will feel defeated or at least misunderstood. It is much better to say at the end: 'We'll go on with the discussion another time', or to say: 'We will never agree, but I respect your right to have your own opinion.' What is more important is to remain flexible and to keep as many possibilities open as you can. For example, you should never use the word 'never'! Try to leave things as vague as you can at the end of any discussion. The priority is not to win the battle but to keep the relationship going.
Don't Be Afraid To Lose An Argument
Sometimes couples go on arguing until one wins or proves their point. The fact that they are in a competition means that neither of them can give in without losing face. However, if one partner deliberately decides to give in, and makes it clear that they are doing so, the other partner is faced with a dilemma. He/she can either go on with the argument and insist on winning, probably eventually feeling guilty for having done so, or both partners can join together and play the cooperative game. It is often better for both to find a way of getting out of the argument rather than allowing it to go on unabated.
Try Not To Blame The Other Person
This is of course easier said than done, but it is still worth the effort. Very few things in life are one person's fault exclusively.
In relationships there is always a long series of interactions leading up to a crisis, and each partner has to a greater or lesser extent contributed to the situation. The person who is being blamed in an argument will usually feel resentful about that, and needs to have a way of escaping from the argument without being humiliated. It requires an act of saintliness on the part of the other partner to avoid casting the blame if they feel it is deserved, but that is actually probably the best chance for an improvement in the general relationship. One possible way of dealing with the problem is to outlaw all discussion of blame and to proceed with the discussion as far as possible without criticizing.
Try to keep the discussion focused on the present and future A good and constructive discussion will usually avoid too many recriminations, and a good way to avoid these is to focus mainly on what you are doing in the 'here and now' or on your plans for the immediate future. It is easier to avoid blame if you can keep away from the past in your discussions. If you are able to do so, concentrate on planning what you can do about the problems rather than trying to establish the causes of them.
Exercise: Communication Training
Set up a timed discussion (ten minutes without interruption)
Decide what you want to talk about (it might be a recent TV program, a book or a magazine article that one or both of you has read)
Speak from the 'I' position; in other words start your sentences with 'I'
Speak in short sentences and leave a gap for your partner to respond
Show that you understand where your partner is coming from (empathize)
Respect your partner's sensitivities
Try to end everything you say with a positive comment
Keep to the topic under discussion
Try not to blame each other
Avoid making summing up or closing remarks; leave issues open
Don't be afraid to lose an argument (as a tactic)
If your views are at odds with your partner's, 'agree to differ'
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