When your daughter is diagnosed with an eating disorder or has eating disordered behavior, she has a legitimate need for control.
She thinks she is already in control, but you and I know the opposite is true.
We also know we are not going to convince her of that in the early stages of the eating disorder.
So what do you do to give her a healthy sense of control and not lose yours? When you feel the resistance and the power struggle beginning, try to think about which behaviors indicate a positive quality.
Here are a few ideas about what that could look like; and as I stated in the first article, it is important to use the word "respect" when talking to her.
1.
I respect your desire to get well without help, and how much you eat and take care of your body will determine whether or not we seek outside help.
2.
I respect your desire to be in good shape, and you will able to exercise more when you show me you are eating enough to sustain your body during increased exercise.
3.
I respect your desire not to attend your appointment today, and as you are eating more we can schedule fewer appointments during the week.
4.
I respect your desire to feel thin and beautiful, and you will have more power to decide how thin you want to be when I am sure you are seeing your body accurately when you look in the mirror.
5.
I respect your need to have more control, and when you start listening more to your own voice instead of the eating disorder voice, you will have more choices about what and when to eat.
Be as natural as you can with these statements and don't overuse the word "respect.
" If you use it too often, the word will lose its power and she will get suspicious about what you are doing.
The other way to communicate respect is to behave in respectful ways toward her.
When she refuses to eat, don't roll your eyes, sigh heavily or make an angry comment to your spouse.
Firmly restate the expectation that she has needs to eat more and then engage in neutral conversation with the family.
It will take time and practice to learn to relate to your daughter in this new way, and you will see a big difference in her responses as you move toward her with more respect and give her a healthy sense of control.
When you treat her with respect, which is also how you want her to treat you, she is more likely to give you the same in return.
She thinks she is already in control, but you and I know the opposite is true.
We also know we are not going to convince her of that in the early stages of the eating disorder.
So what do you do to give her a healthy sense of control and not lose yours? When you feel the resistance and the power struggle beginning, try to think about which behaviors indicate a positive quality.
Here are a few ideas about what that could look like; and as I stated in the first article, it is important to use the word "respect" when talking to her.
1.
I respect your desire to get well without help, and how much you eat and take care of your body will determine whether or not we seek outside help.
2.
I respect your desire to be in good shape, and you will able to exercise more when you show me you are eating enough to sustain your body during increased exercise.
3.
I respect your desire not to attend your appointment today, and as you are eating more we can schedule fewer appointments during the week.
4.
I respect your desire to feel thin and beautiful, and you will have more power to decide how thin you want to be when I am sure you are seeing your body accurately when you look in the mirror.
5.
I respect your need to have more control, and when you start listening more to your own voice instead of the eating disorder voice, you will have more choices about what and when to eat.
Be as natural as you can with these statements and don't overuse the word "respect.
" If you use it too often, the word will lose its power and she will get suspicious about what you are doing.
The other way to communicate respect is to behave in respectful ways toward her.
When she refuses to eat, don't roll your eyes, sigh heavily or make an angry comment to your spouse.
Firmly restate the expectation that she has needs to eat more and then engage in neutral conversation with the family.
It will take time and practice to learn to relate to your daughter in this new way, and you will see a big difference in her responses as you move toward her with more respect and give her a healthy sense of control.
When you treat her with respect, which is also how you want her to treat you, she is more likely to give you the same in return.
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