Widow Learned Deceased Husband Was Unfaithful 25 Years Ago

Answer

Oh, Sarah, this is something that you can never be prepared for. When a heartbreaking infidelity is revealed, there is always a lot of questions and pain. When the crushing revelation comes after the cheater has died, dealing with the painful truth is even harder and you could be feeling stunned. Why?

You world was turned upside down a second time. It's as if you lost your spouse all over again.

The process of letting go, forgiving, and moving forward after the devastating news of your husband's unfaithfulness is harder because you are already feeling lost in your grief. After being together for so many years in what you felt and believed was a loving, honest relationship, the news of your husband's deep ugly secret may make you wonder if you should feel rage at being betrayed or grief and sadness at losing him. I'm sure you feel both.

If you are questioning his love for you, please don't. Yes, he behaved badly. But, he knew it, and he returned to you and gave you another 25 years of a close, intimate marriage relationship. Don't ask yourself why you could have been so blind or not questioned his disappearance back then. You can not ever really know the truth of why he cheated.

You can't ask him now if it was just an opportunity, or for the excitement, or novelty of it, or if he turned to the other woman out of boredom, or because he was unhappy or stressed. You can't fight with him now or show your anger and hurt.

You won't hear him ask you for your forgiveness. You won't hear an apology from him. You won't know why he didn't tell you or if he was afraid of losing you if you knew. You don't have the choice of staying or leaving. You can't know why he didn't throw out the letters years and years ago. He's gone. You can't change the past. You can move forward.

Questions may be going through your mind as to whether you really knew your husband. Please don't turn into a detective and try to find out all you can about the other woman. Try to remember that everyone makes mistakes and privacy is something we all want and need. Secrets, mostly ones that don't harm others, are taken to the grave and usually are not discovered.

The need to forgive your deceased husband is primarily for your own health. Feelings of bitterness, anger, humiliation, outrage, disappointment, anxiety, and pain along with your grief is an enormous load to carry.

This type of situation hits people in different ways and can be a two steps forward, one step back type of experience. Grief is unique to the person grieving. Some cry every day and others don't cry. Some can't sleep while others escape into sleep. Some find comfort in food and others can't eat a bite. Some want people around them and others want to just be left alone.

I truly believe you need to gain control over your life and the choices you have to make so you will feel better about yourself. It may be difficult to believe, but your pain and anger will soften with time.

Consider trying to meditate. Focus on living in the moment. Please believe that your life and your marriage has not been one big fat lie. It's time for you to do those things that you've always wanted to do.

I lost my husband of nearly 50 years and this quote by C. S. Lewis speaks to my heart: "You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream."

My heart goes out to you Sarah. Keep believing in yourself and taking care of yourself.

~ Sheri