Effective listening

• Concentrate on the conversation you are having and keep your mind from wandering to other things. Don't think about what you want to say next; instead, give your full attention to listening to the speaker and watching her body language. Effective listening means you will be better able to decipher the message the person is conveying. If you listen with a purpose, you will better understand what the person's message is. A good technique to better understand what a person is saying is to repeat what you think that person said, and then stop and let the other person clarify whether or not you understood correctly. You can ask additional clarification questions if you still don't understand what the person is trying to convey.
  
  

Evaluate the message

• Evaluate the message from the speaker's point of view. Avoid reacting to the message. In other words, pay attention to your emotional responses and don't project your own thoughts on what the person said. Instead, consciously practice thinking about what that person said. Try slowing down your response time. Allow for some brief silences.
  
  

Understanding the message and matching your response appropriately

• You may not agree with what the person has just said to you, but it's important to listen anyway. By acknowledging another person's perspective, you are fostering a genuine emotional and intellectual connection with that person. You are also increasing the likelihood that an argument will be transformed into a discussion, and you are facilitating a more positive avenue toward resolution of problems.
  
  A part of understanding the message is being able to differentiate the situations. Sometimes you will be providing advice and information to help the person do something, such as assisting them with something concrete (fixing a window, talking with a difficult family member); other times, the person with whom you are conversing simply wants you to listen without trying to solve the problem and/or do anything. It's important that you directly ask them what they want, or listen for cues regarding what they want and need. For example, if your husband is venting about his father's rudeness to others, and this is something you've talked about many times before and there's no solution, it may be best just to listen to him vent. However, if your wife brings up a personal crisis she is having with one of her friends, reflecting on the situation might be a better option.