Our cat, Ragrag (pictured above), is a Manchester City fan. My husband says I'm crackers and I have taken against the cat for some other reason, but he is in denial as to this. I wouldn't mind, but my hubby's the one who says he won't talk to City fans and has been refusing to have them in the house ever since they started winning things again. As a matter of fact, this was the reason he fell out with his entire family back in May 2012. The epic feuding that has ensued ever since the catastrophic Sergio moment has gotten ugly at times, culminating in an unfortunate fork stabbing incident at a wedding. My husband's side of the family were like warring, inbred ferrets in an Asda bag that day. The bride and groom should never have held the reception at the Etihad. It was bound to kick off. But that's a whole other thing.

So anyway, it seems a bit strange that the deranged level of hostility my husband has demonstrated towards all things City does not extend to the family pets. The last time I brought this up with him, though, he made the claim that Ragrag doesn't even like football and suggested I see the doctor. I am not going to. The only medical person I intend to seek assistance from will be the vet after the cat meets with a freak accident.

It is truly sickening the way that rag feline moron sneaks about the place and lies constantly about it's football allegiances. It thinks it's clever, the stupid ginger arse-hat, and it believes it's covering it's tracks but it can bugger off. It is deluding itself with this crap. It's all an act and I am not fooled by this for even one minute.

I have just sent an email to my husband at work describing all the tell tale signs that the cat has jumped ship and now supports City. I have asked him to think seriously about all of this. Here is a copy and paste version of the self same email:-

Dear Husband 

Re: The cat is a City fan. Here is the evidence:-

1 The cat keeps upchucking on my United scarf. If this is not deliberate, then why has it done it twice in the last month? And why is it only when United win that it does it? It tries to act as if it isn't cheesed off and grumpy on the rare occasions that the reds triumph but it's vomiting activities tell a different story and actions speak larger than words, as they say. It is a good job we kept losing last season or the scarf would have been a write-off by now. It even crapped on your replica De Gea goalie shirt the other week and blamed it on the dog, if you remember. The timing of this was deeply suspicious, coming as it did just after we had squeaked past Everton thanks to the heroics of Spanish Dave the Keeper and his contribution to securing our third victory of the season.

2 I saw Ragrag battering the neighbour's red supporting moggy just the other day and it is constantly caterwauling and hissing at a second cat that lives in the neighbouring street. It cannot be a coincidence that all the cats Ragrag has fallen out with come from good United-loving families. Nor is it above suspicion that the only feline it seems to get along with belongs to some City scum up the road. Indeed, it would appear that Ragrag and the Bertie cat are the best of friends and on hot days, they cuddle each other in the back garden. Note the contrast!

3 Cats are really shallow and ours is no exception. Like most felines, glory seeking is Ragrag's default position and the glory has gone from Old Trafford and appears to have set up camp under an East Manchester blue moon. Funny how it was a United fan when it was a kitten and we were winning everything. Otherwise, we would never have taken it in or called it Ragrag. And I do not doubt that it continued to be a red for the first few years of it's life and would not have been caught dead anywhere near City in its younger days. Now, though, the "Where were you when you were shit?" song just about sums up the arc of the cat's terrible, self-serving journey to the dark side. It showed no interest in anyone but United until the Sheikh came to City and they signed Robinho. There was  no puking on scarves and fighting with the rag cats of the neighbourhood until that happened! Then things started to change pretty damn quickly, if you ask me.

4 One of my earliest inklings about this came after the cat started taking a sudden interest whenever City were on TV. Every time City lost, it acted like the result was not to its liking and this was most definitely a new development in terms of the cat's conduct. Seemingly out of a clear blue sky, it began to greet any City defeat by tantruming itself around the house making low howling noises and taking swipes at the dog,who (you will no doubt recall) even needed stitches after Wigan beat City to win the FA Cup final that time. This sort of a reaction is now the norm. You can tell how distraught the cat allows itself to get when things don't go City's way. It takes ages for it to calm itself and on the rare occasions that City lose, it has taken to hiding under the stairs all night and usually cannot be coaxed out until the following afternoon. It kicked the radiator the day Michael Owen got that late, late winner (back when United used to win the occasional derby). Then it launched itself at the television in such an aggressive fashion, it actually dented the screen. You said at the time that this  was just feline exuberance and Ragrag was celebrating the glorious red victory but it sure didn't look that way to me. I saw it's face and it was livid. Later it started hissing something at me that sounded suspiciously like "Tick-Tock you raggy bitch".

5 One day I came home early from work and as I was coming up the drive, I could hear someone singing "City, City, best team land and world". That little shit, Ragrag must have been the one singing it because there was no one else in the house. You were out walking the dog so clearly the cat must have thought the coast was clear. It later denied singing anything of the sort, but it is lying.

6 One night I was settling down to watch one of my "Glory Glory Man United" DVD's. I like these trips down memory lane more and more now that the present has seemingly turned to the shape of pears. Unfortunately, however, when I went to slot the disc into the machine, out popped a City title winning season review DVD. This caused much consternation until you remembered that it was me that had purchased this disc by mistake because it had the word "Champions" on it and I naturally thought it was a United  DVD. Bugger that. It turns out that I didn't buy the wrong disc at all. The cat found the receipt and took it back to the shop and swapped it for the City DVD. Either that or it shoplifted the thing and threw the United one in the canal. It is usually more careful but it must have been interrupted at short notice whilst it was in the middle of watching the City DVD and gloating over it. I bet we disturbed it in the act for some reason and it didn't have time to eject the disc and it so it went running out of the cat flap and pretended to be asleep in the garden.



 

7 If Ragrag isn't a Bertie, how is it's reaction to the head gutting Aguerooooooooooooo!!!!!! incident to be explained? Why did it have it's face buried in it's paws for most of the second half of that game? How come it stormed out of the living room when QPR took the lead and could be heard making scary growling noises in the hall for 20 consecutive minutes? And why did it suddenly decide to come back in and resume watching the match when Dzeko got the equalizer?  Then, when the stupid Argentine one scored the winner, why did the cat go tearing around the house, swinging from the curtains and jumping so high it hit it's head on the bastard ceiling? There is a faint cat like impression in the plaster to this day, which just serves as a miserable reminder of the time City broke our red-loving hearts forever. Also, why did it leap on to the sofa and headbutt you at the final whistle, only to later claim that this was done out of affection? And most damning of all, why was it's flea collar discovered in it's food bowl later that night? I'll tell you why. It was because the warped bastard went hurling itself round the kitchen swinging the collar above it's head in imitation of Aguero's shirt waving antics. Later it was seen high fiving the local Bertie cat in the street. The pair of them were acting like they had been binge-snorting top quality catnip and couldn't come down. As you will no doubt recall, my darling husband, Ragtag purred in its sleep so loud that night, it woke us up twice. We could hear it through the walls. Never mind us, it probably woke itself up a few times, it was making such a din. In the morning, I could swear it smirked and gave me the finger before demanding it's breakfast.

And speaking of cats giving you the finger, I went into the lounge earlier and that thug Bertie cat from over the road had broken in again via the cap flap and was sitting on the window sill. When it saw me, it did this:-

 

I HATE MAN UNITED

8 I recently found an email in my Microsoft Outlook account from the Births, Deaths and Marriages people giving me details of the admin fees for changing your name by deed poll. I didn't ask for this information and it therefore seems pretty clear that the wretched cat no longer wants to be known as Ragrag and has been putting feelers out about changing its name to Bertie. It tried to cover this up by deleting the original message from the sent box without reckoning that I would later find it the Recycle bin. This is another thing it can piss right off about.

9 I was cleaning out Ragrag's cat bed the other night and what should I find under the cushion but a current season ticket card for the Council House. I subsequently quizzed the little git about it but it claimed to have found the card in the street and had decided not to hand it in. It said this did not mean it had any intention of using it to go to any City games, except maybe at the derby next month.

What meteorite shower that so called cat thinks I came down from I do not know. It is all extremely disturbing and I don't know what to do. That little shit is going to laugh it's head off at us if we don't make the top four this season. I am dreading it. I am at my wits end. Promise me you will give these issues your consideration before matters grow any worse.

Kind Regards and see you later.

Your Loving Wife, Mrs Raggy I Liesalot

October 2014