What Every Woman Needs to Know About Money and Her Marriage

No matter whether you live on a tight budget or feel quite comfortable financially, money seems to provide endless fodder for marital discord.
In fact, statistics show that the majority of couples who divorce cite "money problems" as the number one factor in the breakup.
This is understandable since money management opens the door to so many potential disagreements.
For example:

Who contributes what percentage of income?

How money is spent?

How much to save?

Who pays the bills? Money's Many Meanings Complicating the matter is that many of us find it difficult to openly discuss money issues.
One reason it's so hard is that money can represent very different things to different people.
The dollar can serve as a weapon.
It can represent freedom or independence for some.
It can be related to power.
It can provide a battleground for disputes over responsibility and judgment.
Financial issues can even be a forum for airing doubts about self-worth.
A partner who is financially irresponsible, for example, may be broadcasting a message: rescue me, solve my problems.
A spouse's reluctance to accept gifts may hide a deeper lack of trust.
Spouses who go on a spending spree every time their partners withdraw may be trying to get attention.
There are usually some very basic values that underlie attitudes about money:

Some people value independence, so it's important that they have their own bank account.
They want to make their own choices about how they spend, save, and invest their money.

Others value more mutual dependence and accountability and are more comfortable with a joint bank account.
This may be based, at least in part, on a desire to know exactly where the money is going, especially if finances are tight.

Some people are accumulators.
They feel best when their savings account is growing, and/or they are amassing personal belongings, especially those that are so often associated with success and security.

Others are contributors and feel best when they are giving back to their world by donating to charities and others in need.
What type of values do you bring to the table? We need to be honest with ourselves so that we can be honest with each other.
If we feel we contribute more to the family income, or came into the relationship with more assets than our partner, we may fear losing control over our hard-earned money, or feel resentment regarding our partner's spending habits.
On the other hand, if our understanding is that "what's mine is yours" and vice versa, we may view restrictions or other controls on our spending as withholding or over-controlling.
It's critical to get clear on your own values before you can even begin to find a way to reconcile them with your partner's unique approach.
Experts Recommend To avoid destructive conflicts over finances, experts suggest that couples sit down at least once a year - and actually put it on the calendar - to discuss their finances in detail.
Couples who consistently struggle with the financial aspect of their relationships may need to increase the frequency of this discussion and make it a monthly appointment, possibly with an objective third party present.
Regardless of the timing, you both need to agree that this conversation will be defined by respect.
You must vow that even when you disagree, you will speak and act in a loving manner toward each other.
Try to approach the subject with humor and tolerance--both can be wonderfully healing in tense settings.
Your ultimate goal is to have the best partnership possible, and getting any financial disagreements under control is an important part of working together toward that goal.
In this meeting, openly discuss whatever problems and conflicts you've been having.
This is not a time to defend your position and start another argument, but rather to gain understanding and clarity.
Commit to being honest with yourselves and each other about financial issues.
This is an important aspect of building that trust that is the cornerstone of your marriage.
Here are some specific questions you may want to address during your conversation:

What is our overall financial situation? Do we both know at least the basics about our financial status? Are we both familiar with our current income, assets and debts? Do we both know the location of important documents (tax information, insurance policies, wills, bank account information, birth certificates, etc.
)?

How is our budget working? Do we spend within our limits? Do we need to update our budget based on any recent changes?

Who pays the bills each month? While it's important that both partners are informed about income and expenses, choosing one person to pay the bills works well in many households.
Decide what approach will work best in your marriage.

Where are we weak financially? Do we overspend? How secure is our job situation? Do we have too much debt or not enough income? How can we strengthen our situation?

How happy are we with our planning for the future, both short and long term? Are we adequately preparing for the day when we may not have the income we currently do?

How happy are we about how much we're both spending? Is there a way we can each have discretionary spending money--even a few dollars a week--that we can spend on anything we choose without being accountable for it to each other? Do we want to use the 3-account plan-his, hers, and ours? (Each person contributes to the joint account out of which bills and household expenses are paid, and each retains a separate account out of which they pay their own bills and expenses.
) Is there another approach that seems logical and fair to both of us?

Are there any issues that we need to address related to out-of-control spending, including gambling or compulsive shopping or spending? What's our plan from here? After discussing the above, what do we want to decide about how much we spend, how much we save, and how we make financial decisions that include both of us and that we're both happy with? Once you come up with a plan, commit to sticking to it, but remain flexible to accommodate unique needs as circumstances change.
The way you handle your finances can strengthen your marriage, or it can threaten to drive a wedge between you.
So be willing to negotiate.
Focus on your relationship as the first priority.
With this "we" attitude instead of "me" approach, you'll both find it easier to be generous in your attitudes in the financial department...
and beyond.