Since I often write about saving marriages, regaining the love and spark in your marriage, and restoring intimacy and closeness, I'm often asked what is the best way to react or proceed when you know that you husband wants to leave. The answer to this will greatly depend upon the situation, but I hope to give you options, ideas, help, and support in this article.
First off though, let me say that I generally find there are two different types of situations when a husband wants to leave. The first is the most volatile of the two and often, the husband is being hurtful in letting you know or informing you that he wants to wants to go. Usually, there has been some explosive situation like a huge fight, or the husband deciding to be mean being disrespectful. Often in these situations, the husband will leave no doubt that he has one foot out the door. This highly emotional situation may lead to name calling or hurtful phrases like him telling you that he "doesn't love or find you attractive anymore," or things like he'd be better off without you.
I had one woman tell me that her husband told her he wanted to leave because she was overweight. In these situations, it's so important that you do not give your power away. The husband is being incredibly disrespectful, so before you attempt any communication or negotiations, I believe it is best to call him on it and insist that in moving forward, he treat you in respectful manner. There is virtually no chance in really working things out in a lasting and long term way if he is going to act this way.
Thankfully, many situations I am asked about involve less explosive situations where the husband wants to leave because of distance created, a loss of intimacy (i.e. he's "fallen out of love,") or because of external factors that have caused severe stress and strain on the marriage. In these examples, the marriage at one time was a good one and somehow the way has been lost.
In both instances, there are things that I have learned through experience and through research and counseling that you absolutely should not do, even when or if you desperately don't want your husband to leave. These things may seem natural and right when your husband wants to leave, but they will really backfire in the end because you've given your power away and will ultimately make you appear less desirable.
I believe that you should not beg, stalk, engage, argue with, or constantly follow, text, or call your husband. You should not make false promises, appear desperate, or do anything which would elicit negative emotions or reactions.
It's important to understand that if you want your husband to stay or want him back, you absolutely have to replace the negative feelings between you with positive ones. This may seem overly simplistic but it really isn't. Husbands who are experiencing loving, affectionate, and empathic feelings toward their wife are much more likely to be receptive to what you have to say and to listen without already knowing the outcome.
The way you do this is to conduct yourself in a way that you can proud of and that you won't regret later. You don't want to act in a way that will push your husband further away from you. At the same time, you don't want to be a pushover either.
As you can see, this is a delicate dance. You have to strike a balance between communicating with your husband and making him understand that you love him, don't want him to leave, and want to make saving the marriage a high priority and having enough respect for yourself to not compromise your self respect and dignity.
The truth is, you will appear much more attractive to your husband if you retain your self esteem and self worth. You can still love your husband and go out and see your friends or do whatever it is that makes you happy and fulfilled without groveling. This will put you in a better emotional place and will likely peak your husband's interest rather than affirming he really wants to go.
Sometimes, I have women approach me and say their husband wants to leave and he just will not talk with them at all or has completely shut them out because of a major fight or issue. Believe it or not, the process is still the same. You conduct yourself in a positive manner, do the things that will invoke positive feelings in both yourself and your spouse, and take baby steps until you're husband is receptive again.
In some instances – when it's clear the husband is dead set on leaving and is not going to change his mind, it's best to just agree with your husband that the marriage has problems and if he really thinks he needs a break, then agree that you'd like the time to work on yourself as well. This will help to minimize a lot of the tension and distance. Hopefully, as the tension lessens you're husband will have no reason to avoid or reject you. You're also retaining your dignity and power, which is hugely important in this situation.
I had to use this approach when I trying to save my marriage (and was the only one who wanted to). I made a lot of mistakes, but eventually I was able to change course and regain my husband's interest. Over time (and taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his love. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
First off though, let me say that I generally find there are two different types of situations when a husband wants to leave. The first is the most volatile of the two and often, the husband is being hurtful in letting you know or informing you that he wants to wants to go. Usually, there has been some explosive situation like a huge fight, or the husband deciding to be mean being disrespectful. Often in these situations, the husband will leave no doubt that he has one foot out the door. This highly emotional situation may lead to name calling or hurtful phrases like him telling you that he "doesn't love or find you attractive anymore," or things like he'd be better off without you.
I had one woman tell me that her husband told her he wanted to leave because she was overweight. In these situations, it's so important that you do not give your power away. The husband is being incredibly disrespectful, so before you attempt any communication or negotiations, I believe it is best to call him on it and insist that in moving forward, he treat you in respectful manner. There is virtually no chance in really working things out in a lasting and long term way if he is going to act this way.
Thankfully, many situations I am asked about involve less explosive situations where the husband wants to leave because of distance created, a loss of intimacy (i.e. he's "fallen out of love,") or because of external factors that have caused severe stress and strain on the marriage. In these examples, the marriage at one time was a good one and somehow the way has been lost.
In both instances, there are things that I have learned through experience and through research and counseling that you absolutely should not do, even when or if you desperately don't want your husband to leave. These things may seem natural and right when your husband wants to leave, but they will really backfire in the end because you've given your power away and will ultimately make you appear less desirable.
I believe that you should not beg, stalk, engage, argue with, or constantly follow, text, or call your husband. You should not make false promises, appear desperate, or do anything which would elicit negative emotions or reactions.
It's important to understand that if you want your husband to stay or want him back, you absolutely have to replace the negative feelings between you with positive ones. This may seem overly simplistic but it really isn't. Husbands who are experiencing loving, affectionate, and empathic feelings toward their wife are much more likely to be receptive to what you have to say and to listen without already knowing the outcome.
The way you do this is to conduct yourself in a way that you can proud of and that you won't regret later. You don't want to act in a way that will push your husband further away from you. At the same time, you don't want to be a pushover either.
As you can see, this is a delicate dance. You have to strike a balance between communicating with your husband and making him understand that you love him, don't want him to leave, and want to make saving the marriage a high priority and having enough respect for yourself to not compromise your self respect and dignity.
The truth is, you will appear much more attractive to your husband if you retain your self esteem and self worth. You can still love your husband and go out and see your friends or do whatever it is that makes you happy and fulfilled without groveling. This will put you in a better emotional place and will likely peak your husband's interest rather than affirming he really wants to go.
Sometimes, I have women approach me and say their husband wants to leave and he just will not talk with them at all or has completely shut them out because of a major fight or issue. Believe it or not, the process is still the same. You conduct yourself in a positive manner, do the things that will invoke positive feelings in both yourself and your spouse, and take baby steps until you're husband is receptive again.
In some instances – when it's clear the husband is dead set on leaving and is not going to change his mind, it's best to just agree with your husband that the marriage has problems and if he really thinks he needs a break, then agree that you'd like the time to work on yourself as well. This will help to minimize a lot of the tension and distance. Hopefully, as the tension lessens you're husband will have no reason to avoid or reject you. You're also retaining your dignity and power, which is hugely important in this situation.
I had to use this approach when I trying to save my marriage (and was the only one who wanted to). I made a lot of mistakes, but eventually I was able to change course and regain my husband's interest. Over time (and taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his love. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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