There are many challenges as a parent and there will be times when you need to make decisions about the well being of your child.
We all want our children to grow up to be healthy and happy and we all have expectations we place on our children.
But what happens when those expectations are not met? You have 3 choices...
Plan A, Plan B or Plan C.
Plan A: Impose your will This is the way most of us were raised and most of us think we turned out just fine.
What is wrong with this approach if it works in getting the child to comply? Well the problems depend on the type of child you are working with:
Having will imposed on them (something most of us do not like) requires skills that challenging kids do not have.
If you throw Plan A at a child that does not have the skills to handle it well, you have just created the definition of maladaptive behavior.
This child will likely do what we don't want them to do.
Non Challenging Kids In a "normal" child using Plan A teaches a child that "Might makes right".
Do this or get a spanking! Do this or get a time out! I am stronger than you, you will do what I say.
Is that what we want to teach? You show me a kid with challenging behavior and I will show you an adult using Plan A.
Plan B is collaborative problem solving which we will discuss later.
Plan C is when you drop the expectation completely, at least for now.
I am not talking about not having expectations or giving in after Plan A doesn't work.
I am talking about not expecting something your challenging child is unwilling or unable to do in order to focus on something they can do.
This requires planning ahead and not asking the child to do something they do not have the skills to accomplish.
With challenging kids there are always many issues and you need to pick your battles.
Plan A is by far the most common approach made by parents.
When does it begin? Look at this example: Kid's it is time to brush your teeth! This is not Plan A.
This is just an expectation.
If the child simply brushes his teeth you are done and no plan was used.
The expectation has been met.
However if the reply is "I'm not brushing my teeth", now we have an unmet expectation.
You have 3 options A, B or C.
What comes out of your mouth next is likely Plan A.
Brush your teeth now.
/ You WILL brush your teeth.
/ At the count of three you better...
These are all Plan A responses and will likely end in disaster with a challenging kid.
Collaborative Planning Solving is a method that is based on the following premise.
"Children will do well if they can".
Children want to please their parents, teachers and other care givers.
They do not get up in the morning and think "How can I mess up today?" They want to do well and be accepted.
Problems arise when the child does not have the skills required to accomplish what is being asked of him.
When using Plan B you need to find out what the lacking skill and teach it.
There are 3 step to using Plan B: 1.
Empathy 2.
Define the problem 3.
The invitation Step 1.
The first step is empathy.
Empathy is all about information gathering.
The goal here is to gather information from the kid as to understand his concern or perspective on the unsolved problem we are trying to solve right now.
Step 2.
Defining the problem is where the adult gets their concern or perspective on the table.
Step 3.
The invitation is about brainstorming solutions that will address the concerns of both parties.
Collaborative Problem Solving should be used proactively and not only during a crisis.
Instead of yelling at your child for fighting with their brother during the incident, you could say something like "I've noticed you have been fighting with your brother a lot lately, what's up?" "I've noticed you really don't like going to bed, what's up?" "I've noticed you have been having a hard time in school, what's up?" This will open a dialogue and you can follow the 3 steps of plan B.
We all want our children to grow up to be healthy and happy and we all have expectations we place on our children.
But what happens when those expectations are not met? You have 3 choices...
Plan A, Plan B or Plan C.
Plan A: Impose your will This is the way most of us were raised and most of us think we turned out just fine.
What is wrong with this approach if it works in getting the child to comply? Well the problems depend on the type of child you are working with:
- challenging child
- or non challenging kids
Having will imposed on them (something most of us do not like) requires skills that challenging kids do not have.
If you throw Plan A at a child that does not have the skills to handle it well, you have just created the definition of maladaptive behavior.
This child will likely do what we don't want them to do.
Non Challenging Kids In a "normal" child using Plan A teaches a child that "Might makes right".
Do this or get a spanking! Do this or get a time out! I am stronger than you, you will do what I say.
Is that what we want to teach? You show me a kid with challenging behavior and I will show you an adult using Plan A.
Plan B is collaborative problem solving which we will discuss later.
Plan C is when you drop the expectation completely, at least for now.
I am not talking about not having expectations or giving in after Plan A doesn't work.
I am talking about not expecting something your challenging child is unwilling or unable to do in order to focus on something they can do.
This requires planning ahead and not asking the child to do something they do not have the skills to accomplish.
With challenging kids there are always many issues and you need to pick your battles.
Plan A is by far the most common approach made by parents.
When does it begin? Look at this example: Kid's it is time to brush your teeth! This is not Plan A.
This is just an expectation.
If the child simply brushes his teeth you are done and no plan was used.
The expectation has been met.
However if the reply is "I'm not brushing my teeth", now we have an unmet expectation.
You have 3 options A, B or C.
What comes out of your mouth next is likely Plan A.
Brush your teeth now.
/ You WILL brush your teeth.
/ At the count of three you better...
These are all Plan A responses and will likely end in disaster with a challenging kid.
Collaborative Planning Solving is a method that is based on the following premise.
"Children will do well if they can".
Children want to please their parents, teachers and other care givers.
They do not get up in the morning and think "How can I mess up today?" They want to do well and be accepted.
Problems arise when the child does not have the skills required to accomplish what is being asked of him.
When using Plan B you need to find out what the lacking skill and teach it.
There are 3 step to using Plan B: 1.
Empathy 2.
Define the problem 3.
The invitation Step 1.
The first step is empathy.
Empathy is all about information gathering.
The goal here is to gather information from the kid as to understand his concern or perspective on the unsolved problem we are trying to solve right now.
Step 2.
Defining the problem is where the adult gets their concern or perspective on the table.
Step 3.
The invitation is about brainstorming solutions that will address the concerns of both parties.
Collaborative Problem Solving should be used proactively and not only during a crisis.
Instead of yelling at your child for fighting with their brother during the incident, you could say something like "I've noticed you have been fighting with your brother a lot lately, what's up?" "I've noticed you really don't like going to bed, what's up?" "I've noticed you have been having a hard time in school, what's up?" This will open a dialogue and you can follow the 3 steps of plan B.
SHARE
