I recently received correspondence from a wife whose husband had sat her down and told her that he felt that their marriage "needed a break." The husband was indicating that he wanted some time to himself and was going to spend some time away with extended family in order to sort things out and "do some thinking." This sort of blindsided the wife. She knew that the marriage had it's issues, but she never thought that the husband would want to take a break from her and the marriage.
She was concerned as to the best way to handle this. She was scared to let her husband walk out the door because she was worried that he might never come back. But, he clearly didn't want to stay so she was also afraid that if she argued with him, he might resist or resent this. She told me "I'm in a really bad situation because if he takes a break from our marriage, he might never come back to me. But, if I don't agree, he might leave anyway and I might make the situation worse."
From my own experience, I felt that the wife's instincts were right. Sometimes distance and time can actually work to your advantage. It allows for tensions to abate and for insights to become possible. However, many people make some very common mistakes in this same situation. So in the following article, I will discuss what, in my experience, is the best way to handle this situation.
It's Always A Good Idea To Define Expectations And Boundaries During The Break: By now, you can probably read between the lines and deduct that I thought that the wife should go ahead and allow for the break to happen. The husband very clearly had decided that this was a good idea and wasn't likely going to change his mind. So, fighting with him about this wasn't going to do any good or to improve the situation.
I felt that the wife would put herself in the best position if she were to sit the husband down and tell him something like: "I've thought about our conversation regarding your needing a break from me and our marriage. It's clear to me that this is something that you feel like you need to do. I wish that things weren't the way that they are, but, at the end of the day, I just want for the both of us to be happy. If taking some time for yourself will help to make this happen, then I'm all for it. However, I'd like for us to talk about some of the specifics of what is going to happen. How often should we check in with one another? When might you be coming back? And, is there anything that I can do to help make this process more successful?"
One of the biggest pitfalls that I see in this situation is that the couple doesn't define what, exactly, is going to happen during this break. No one wants to ask the difficult questions, which is understandable, but not being very direct with your questions and expectations only make it more likely that you are not going to be happy with the outcome. I made this mistake also, and I was very lucky that it did not cost me marriage. (More about that here.)
Making Sure That You're Perceived Positively Rather Than Negatively During The Break: Perceptions are so very vital right now. Because at this time, the husband isn't sure if he wants to remain committed the marriage. He's not sure if he's better off without the wife or if he's better off with her. That's why it's so important that the wife make every encounter and conversation count.
And, this can be much more difficult than it sounds. Because once he's actually the left the home, loneliness, fear, anxiety, and desperation can set in and your behavior can be influenced by these negative emotions. It can be so tempting and so easy to want to guilt or argue with your husband during this time. But, as best as you can, resist these temptations. You will be putting yourself in a much better position if you allow your husband to see the qualities that he most loves about you. If he loves your laid back attitude and your wicked sense of humor, then don't show him a bitter and clinging woman that makes him hesitate to check in.
And, it never hurts to make sure that you're not just sitting at home mourning this situation. Nothing is wrong with going out with your girlfriends or spending time with your family. Since it's so important that you can appear to be (and are perceived) positively right now, then it certainly makes sense to do whatever you need to do to ensure that you can put a genuine smile on your face. Take care of yourself, and do the things that support and strengthen you rather than weaken you so that when you do interact with your husband, you have no problems showing him the best version of yourself. And honestly, it's usually when you begin to pull away somewhat that he begins to move closer. This is what happened to me.
She was concerned as to the best way to handle this. She was scared to let her husband walk out the door because she was worried that he might never come back. But, he clearly didn't want to stay so she was also afraid that if she argued with him, he might resist or resent this. She told me "I'm in a really bad situation because if he takes a break from our marriage, he might never come back to me. But, if I don't agree, he might leave anyway and I might make the situation worse."
From my own experience, I felt that the wife's instincts were right. Sometimes distance and time can actually work to your advantage. It allows for tensions to abate and for insights to become possible. However, many people make some very common mistakes in this same situation. So in the following article, I will discuss what, in my experience, is the best way to handle this situation.
It's Always A Good Idea To Define Expectations And Boundaries During The Break: By now, you can probably read between the lines and deduct that I thought that the wife should go ahead and allow for the break to happen. The husband very clearly had decided that this was a good idea and wasn't likely going to change his mind. So, fighting with him about this wasn't going to do any good or to improve the situation.
I felt that the wife would put herself in the best position if she were to sit the husband down and tell him something like: "I've thought about our conversation regarding your needing a break from me and our marriage. It's clear to me that this is something that you feel like you need to do. I wish that things weren't the way that they are, but, at the end of the day, I just want for the both of us to be happy. If taking some time for yourself will help to make this happen, then I'm all for it. However, I'd like for us to talk about some of the specifics of what is going to happen. How often should we check in with one another? When might you be coming back? And, is there anything that I can do to help make this process more successful?"
One of the biggest pitfalls that I see in this situation is that the couple doesn't define what, exactly, is going to happen during this break. No one wants to ask the difficult questions, which is understandable, but not being very direct with your questions and expectations only make it more likely that you are not going to be happy with the outcome. I made this mistake also, and I was very lucky that it did not cost me marriage. (More about that here.)
Making Sure That You're Perceived Positively Rather Than Negatively During The Break: Perceptions are so very vital right now. Because at this time, the husband isn't sure if he wants to remain committed the marriage. He's not sure if he's better off without the wife or if he's better off with her. That's why it's so important that the wife make every encounter and conversation count.
And, this can be much more difficult than it sounds. Because once he's actually the left the home, loneliness, fear, anxiety, and desperation can set in and your behavior can be influenced by these negative emotions. It can be so tempting and so easy to want to guilt or argue with your husband during this time. But, as best as you can, resist these temptations. You will be putting yourself in a much better position if you allow your husband to see the qualities that he most loves about you. If he loves your laid back attitude and your wicked sense of humor, then don't show him a bitter and clinging woman that makes him hesitate to check in.
And, it never hurts to make sure that you're not just sitting at home mourning this situation. Nothing is wrong with going out with your girlfriends or spending time with your family. Since it's so important that you can appear to be (and are perceived) positively right now, then it certainly makes sense to do whatever you need to do to ensure that you can put a genuine smile on your face. Take care of yourself, and do the things that support and strengthen you rather than weaken you so that when you do interact with your husband, you have no problems showing him the best version of yourself. And honestly, it's usually when you begin to pull away somewhat that he begins to move closer. This is what happened to me.
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