I often get emails that ask me just how much (if at all) men really regret having affairs on the women that they love. Women often tell me that they are 100% sure that their man is sorry that he was caught having an affair, but they are less certain that he is actually sorry for the act of cheating. And, many want to make sure that the man is sorry enough that he is never going to repeat this again. So, in the following article, I've give you my take on whether men who cheat truly feel deep and genuine regret for this act.
What Determines If A Man Is Truly Sorry And Feels Genuine Regret For His Affair?: I feel pretty strongly that men who have cheated only once are more likely to feel genuine regret than those who are repeat or serial cheaters.  The reason for this is that the men who have affairs over and over are very good at justifying their actions to themselves and downplaying the needs or feelings or others. This repetitive behavior has become second nature to them so this becomes a hard habit to break.
On the other hand, for men for whom this is new and unexpected behavior, there often is a great deal of regret. I know that this can be hard to believe, but the vast majority of first time cheaters never intended to cheat and their behavior is every bit as troubling and confusing to them as it is to you. That's not to say that they aren't responsible and that they didn't make a choice.  They are and they did.Â
But, often they are quite able to convince themselves (at least at first) that their behavior is innocent, and as they cross further and further over the line, they will deny to themselves that they intend to go any further. And, once they do, they are often quite surprised at themselves. But, as a means of self preservation, they will often make deals with themselves that you will never find out so that no one ever has to be hurt. They often hope that they will never have to face you with this, because facing themselves and living with the heavy weight of this is enough without even bringing you into the mix.
When It All Comes Crashing Down: Living With The Pain And Regret That The Affair Has Caused: Obviously you know about the affair or you would not be reading this article. And, it's likely that you very much doubt the sincerity of his apologies and his heartfelt promises and pleas for forgiveness. You wonder how much of this regret stems from the fact that he has been found out. And, you likely wonder if you never learned of this, would he be continuing on with the cheating today?Â
I don't know your individual husband, but I do dialog with a lot of men who visit my blog. Those that do take the time to comment express a lot of very genuine and heartfelt regret. (Now remember that I am taking about the men who cheat as a one time thing that is never going to be repeated. Serial cheaters do not fall under this category.)
These men feel real sorrow on many levels. First off, they are very embarrassed. They worry that you will see them as someone who was not mature enough to keep their actions in check, as someone who is not trustworthy, and / or as someone who did not place their family above all else as they had promised that they would. Many are very much afraid that you will learn that the affair came down to their own insecurities, fear of aging and losing their power, and their own belief that they just do not measure up (so they needed this approval from someone else on the outside.)Â
And, they worry that you will never believe anything that they say ever again as valid or true. They know that they could well have destroyed everything that the two of you have worked so long and so hard to build and protect. They often tell me that it's hard for them to even look at you because every time they do, it's very evident just how much pain their actions have caused. So, do men who cheat feel regret? Yes, most do. Sometimes, it's not for the reasons that you may have thought, but most, other than serial cheaters, are truly very sorry and did not intend for this to happen.
However, few know how to begin to pick up the pieces. Remember when I said it was hard for them to look at you? Well many will then look away. And often, you will mistake this for the fact that they don't love or desire you anymore so then you too, will pull away. And then what you have are two people who think that the other has given up or just doesn't care when it's actually the opposite which is true. And, this is a tragedy every bit as much as the affair was.
That's why it's so important that you both try to be really honest – even if it hurts, even if it makes you feel vulnerable, and even if you are unsure of the response that you will get. Because it's very often the lack of communication and misunderstandings following the affair – rather than the affair itself – that destroys the marriage.
I know that you may not believe that your man is really sorry right now. I know that even listening to what he has to say seems like it's asking too much. But, I'm glad I gave my husband another chance. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.
What Determines If A Man Is Truly Sorry And Feels Genuine Regret For His Affair?: I feel pretty strongly that men who have cheated only once are more likely to feel genuine regret than those who are repeat or serial cheaters.  The reason for this is that the men who have affairs over and over are very good at justifying their actions to themselves and downplaying the needs or feelings or others. This repetitive behavior has become second nature to them so this becomes a hard habit to break.
On the other hand, for men for whom this is new and unexpected behavior, there often is a great deal of regret. I know that this can be hard to believe, but the vast majority of first time cheaters never intended to cheat and their behavior is every bit as troubling and confusing to them as it is to you. That's not to say that they aren't responsible and that they didn't make a choice.  They are and they did.Â
But, often they are quite able to convince themselves (at least at first) that their behavior is innocent, and as they cross further and further over the line, they will deny to themselves that they intend to go any further. And, once they do, they are often quite surprised at themselves. But, as a means of self preservation, they will often make deals with themselves that you will never find out so that no one ever has to be hurt. They often hope that they will never have to face you with this, because facing themselves and living with the heavy weight of this is enough without even bringing you into the mix.
When It All Comes Crashing Down: Living With The Pain And Regret That The Affair Has Caused: Obviously you know about the affair or you would not be reading this article. And, it's likely that you very much doubt the sincerity of his apologies and his heartfelt promises and pleas for forgiveness. You wonder how much of this regret stems from the fact that he has been found out. And, you likely wonder if you never learned of this, would he be continuing on with the cheating today?Â
I don't know your individual husband, but I do dialog with a lot of men who visit my blog. Those that do take the time to comment express a lot of very genuine and heartfelt regret. (Now remember that I am taking about the men who cheat as a one time thing that is never going to be repeated. Serial cheaters do not fall under this category.)
These men feel real sorrow on many levels. First off, they are very embarrassed. They worry that you will see them as someone who was not mature enough to keep their actions in check, as someone who is not trustworthy, and / or as someone who did not place their family above all else as they had promised that they would. Many are very much afraid that you will learn that the affair came down to their own insecurities, fear of aging and losing their power, and their own belief that they just do not measure up (so they needed this approval from someone else on the outside.)Â
And, they worry that you will never believe anything that they say ever again as valid or true. They know that they could well have destroyed everything that the two of you have worked so long and so hard to build and protect. They often tell me that it's hard for them to even look at you because every time they do, it's very evident just how much pain their actions have caused. So, do men who cheat feel regret? Yes, most do. Sometimes, it's not for the reasons that you may have thought, but most, other than serial cheaters, are truly very sorry and did not intend for this to happen.
However, few know how to begin to pick up the pieces. Remember when I said it was hard for them to look at you? Well many will then look away. And often, you will mistake this for the fact that they don't love or desire you anymore so then you too, will pull away. And then what you have are two people who think that the other has given up or just doesn't care when it's actually the opposite which is true. And, this is a tragedy every bit as much as the affair was.
That's why it's so important that you both try to be really honest – even if it hurts, even if it makes you feel vulnerable, and even if you are unsure of the response that you will get. Because it's very often the lack of communication and misunderstandings following the affair – rather than the affair itself – that destroys the marriage.
I know that you may not believe that your man is really sorry right now. I know that even listening to what he has to say seems like it's asking too much. But, I'm glad I gave my husband another chance. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.
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