I often hear from women who are so frustrated that their husband will not share his feelings, reasoning and perceptions following his affair. Whether you want to save the marriage or not, you feel that you deserve answers (and often rightly so.) You want to know what he was thinking when he cheated on you, why he did it, how he feels about the other woman, how he feels about you and the marriage, and what his intentions are going forward.
The problem is that it can be hard for both of you to get a handle on these feelings. You often want to know immediately and right now. But, the husband often has a very hard time coming up with the answers that you want. He knows that the answers to some of the questions are going to paint him in an awful light, be very embarrassing for all involved, and will likely be hurtful.
And, when he's honest with himself, he knows that even he doesn't know all of the answers. Quite often, he isn't being completely deceptive when he answers "I just don't know" to many of your questions. Men often tell me that they really aren't sure why they acted the way that they did. They weren't themselves. They just weren't thinking. And, there is very little that they can say today that is going to give you a satisfying or helpful answer.
Nonetheless, there are often ways that you can phrase your questions and your approach that will give you a better chance of getting honest answers. I will elaborate on this more in the following article.
Which Of Your Husband's Thoughts And Feelings About The Affair Are Helpful To Know?: Often, we want to know things like if our husbands loved the other woman. We want to know what was so special about her. We want to know if he promised her that they were going to be together for the long term. We want to know if he had any pet names for her or if he bought her expensive gifts. And most of all, we want to know if her perceived that she was better, or more desirable in some way, than we are to him.
I completely understand and identify with these questions and feelings. You need to know these things because you want to know if this woman is still in the picture and if there is something wrong with or lacking within you (which can be improved upon.) But here is the problem with these questions. It's difficult for him to answer them in terms of today. Because he's often acting in the moment without any thought of how this is going to affect his life tomorrow.
So while he may have thought some of these things at that time, today it usually all looks quite different. Through the lens of regret and embarrassment, he's often quite remorseful by his actions and his inclination is usually to retreat. He doesn't want to revisit these things and he already knows how negatively you see him right now. So, he's not likely to want to reopen the wounds and show you how badly he messed everything up.
While you both likely may want very similar things (to move on,) you're often at odds as to how to do it. He will often want to clam up and move on as quickly as possible while you will want to talk about it until you're both so sick of the subject that it hurts. You will often want the small details that are going to hurt you even more. And, to name one more major problem, you often will not believe what he says anyway.
If he denies that he felt deeply for his person, then you will likely wonder "well, why did he do it, then?" Or, if he does admit that there were feelings, at least momentarily, then this is going to bring about more questions and more pain. He likely won't be able to convince you that he's committed and wanting to work things out if he gives you the wrong answers. He knows this. Keep this in mind when you are asking the questions and evaluating the answers.
Now, with that said, there are some questions that are vitally important and to which you must know the answer. You need to know why and how this happened. This is important because you need these answers to ensure that you're not dealing with this again. You also need to know how committed and able he is to working through this with you. You want to know exactly how he intends to do this. Because in order to rebuild a strong and fulfilling marriage, you are both going to need to change some things. Therefore, you're going to need to know how he feels about YOU and the marriage TODAY. This is more important about how he felt about anyone in the past.
What is important is the actions of both of you in the present and in the future. You can not take back the past. I know it's so tempting to want to revisit this. And, you can certainly ask the questions. But, know that sometimes, even he doesn't know the answers. So you really eventually have to decide what you have to know to move forward. If you are seeing resistance, it can sometimes help to lay it on the table and tell him that these are the things that you need to know to move on. And that, while you understand that he may not know the precise answers himself, your knowing his mindset and realizing that he is doing his best to help you understand is going to help somewhat.
I understand how badly you want the answers to these questions. But the answers are sometimes a dead end. Sometimes, the most important thing to know is how you are going to move past this. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
The problem is that it can be hard for both of you to get a handle on these feelings. You often want to know immediately and right now. But, the husband often has a very hard time coming up with the answers that you want. He knows that the answers to some of the questions are going to paint him in an awful light, be very embarrassing for all involved, and will likely be hurtful.
And, when he's honest with himself, he knows that even he doesn't know all of the answers. Quite often, he isn't being completely deceptive when he answers "I just don't know" to many of your questions. Men often tell me that they really aren't sure why they acted the way that they did. They weren't themselves. They just weren't thinking. And, there is very little that they can say today that is going to give you a satisfying or helpful answer.
Nonetheless, there are often ways that you can phrase your questions and your approach that will give you a better chance of getting honest answers. I will elaborate on this more in the following article.
Which Of Your Husband's Thoughts And Feelings About The Affair Are Helpful To Know?: Often, we want to know things like if our husbands loved the other woman. We want to know what was so special about her. We want to know if he promised her that they were going to be together for the long term. We want to know if he had any pet names for her or if he bought her expensive gifts. And most of all, we want to know if her perceived that she was better, or more desirable in some way, than we are to him.
I completely understand and identify with these questions and feelings. You need to know these things because you want to know if this woman is still in the picture and if there is something wrong with or lacking within you (which can be improved upon.) But here is the problem with these questions. It's difficult for him to answer them in terms of today. Because he's often acting in the moment without any thought of how this is going to affect his life tomorrow.
So while he may have thought some of these things at that time, today it usually all looks quite different. Through the lens of regret and embarrassment, he's often quite remorseful by his actions and his inclination is usually to retreat. He doesn't want to revisit these things and he already knows how negatively you see him right now. So, he's not likely to want to reopen the wounds and show you how badly he messed everything up.
While you both likely may want very similar things (to move on,) you're often at odds as to how to do it. He will often want to clam up and move on as quickly as possible while you will want to talk about it until you're both so sick of the subject that it hurts. You will often want the small details that are going to hurt you even more. And, to name one more major problem, you often will not believe what he says anyway.
If he denies that he felt deeply for his person, then you will likely wonder "well, why did he do it, then?" Or, if he does admit that there were feelings, at least momentarily, then this is going to bring about more questions and more pain. He likely won't be able to convince you that he's committed and wanting to work things out if he gives you the wrong answers. He knows this. Keep this in mind when you are asking the questions and evaluating the answers.
Now, with that said, there are some questions that are vitally important and to which you must know the answer. You need to know why and how this happened. This is important because you need these answers to ensure that you're not dealing with this again. You also need to know how committed and able he is to working through this with you. You want to know exactly how he intends to do this. Because in order to rebuild a strong and fulfilling marriage, you are both going to need to change some things. Therefore, you're going to need to know how he feels about YOU and the marriage TODAY. This is more important about how he felt about anyone in the past.
What is important is the actions of both of you in the present and in the future. You can not take back the past. I know it's so tempting to want to revisit this. And, you can certainly ask the questions. But, know that sometimes, even he doesn't know the answers. So you really eventually have to decide what you have to know to move forward. If you are seeing resistance, it can sometimes help to lay it on the table and tell him that these are the things that you need to know to move on. And that, while you understand that he may not know the precise answers himself, your knowing his mindset and realizing that he is doing his best to help you understand is going to help somewhat.
I understand how badly you want the answers to these questions. But the answers are sometimes a dead end. Sometimes, the most important thing to know is how you are going to move past this. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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