Is there really any secret to a happy marriage? You bet. We came up with 10. You probably heard the old saying “sometimes love just ain’t enough.” Well it’s true. Eventually all of those warm fuzzies wear off and all you’re left with are the “nuts” and “bolts” of the relationship. Stuff like open communication, trust, and wiliness to make sacrifices for your partner. The following “secrets” are certainly not exhaustive, but they are a good start towards a common sense approach to making your relationship more fulfilling and ultimately having a happy marriage.
Secret #One - Ability to Make Sacrifices:
You might need some marriage advice if your partner frequently has to tell you “it’s not always about you.” That may be a pretty good indication that they feel you are selfish and self centered. It may be time to ask yourself if you are willing to make sacrifices necessary to make your relationship work. Do you remember to kid who always had to have it their way whenever you played toys together? The girl always had to be the popular one, or the “princess”, while you were one of the “servants.” The guy always had to be the king, or get to play with the best toy, while you were stuck with being the “court jester”, and had to play with the broken toy. And, if you didn’t agree to do it their way they would get upset and not want to play with you. Didn’t you get tired of playing with that person before too long? Well, relationships are a lot like that too.
Relationships don’t last too long when one person always have to have it their way. Resentment tends to creep in and choke the life out of the relationship. There must be a give and take, or back and forth to your relationship. You have to find a way for both of you to “win.” You must both being willing to be the one who makes the sacrifice for the sake of the other person in order to help create an environment for a happy marriage.
Secret #Two - Ability to Compromise:
The next “secret” to a happy marriage is related to the first one – you must have the ability to compromise. Compromise takes sacrifice to the next level. You both agree to disagree and choose the next best thing to what you would have originally preferred. It goes something like: “I know you don’t like sports (even though I’d really like to see the game), and we both don’t want to stay at home tonight” (she wanted to go to a play, which you hate)…”so, how about we go see the concert at the Philharmonic tonight?” See, you both didn’t get your first choice, but you did find a common ground that you did agree on together. Maybe next time you go to the play, and the time after that you both go to the game. I love it when a plan comes together.
Secret #Three - Do Something Just for You:
Another key to having a happy marriage is that on occasion you do something for yourself. While it is important that you do things together as a couple, it is also important that you develop areas of interest on your own. This helps you to keep your relationship interesting and can stop the boredom from setting in. It also can help you appreciate each other more when you have periods of being apart. It makes seeing each other again even more special.
Secret #Four - Maintaining Intimacy and Affection:
Another “secret” to a happy marriage involves maintaining intimacy and affection in your relationship. About 5 years ago I worked with the Healthy Families Program for new mothers and at risk children for abuse and neglect. During my training for helping new mothers bond with their newborn children I learned of some studies about the importance of touch. Specifically, how crucial it was for newborns to have the touch of both the mother and father for the healthy development of the child. Well, the same is true of a romantic relationship. The couple that hugs together, holds hands together, and kisses together...well…you get the idea. It is critical in order to maintain your bond as a couple.
Secret #Five - Ability to Deal with Finances:
The last “secret” to a happy marriage that I will address today is about finances – just the sound of that word gives me a headache. Many people feel that way. But, you can’t bury your head in the sand and hope that all turns out well. You need to plan together and communicate on a regular basis regarding your finances as a couple. If you don’t it is sure to bring your relationship much stress and anxiety. Even when the news is bad, you better talk about it. Trying to avoid bad financial bad news has a way of coming back to haunt you…so you better deal with it straight away.
Many couples don’t talk about their money and just assume the other person will take care of it – THEY WON’T. Talk clearly and often about this. If you don’t talk about you finances it will probably get worse. Debt has a way of mounting with compound interest, fees, and could even lead to small claims court. There you don’t just have to pay your debt. You get to pay court costs and attorney fees too. Oh joy! So take it from me on this one. That is not a place were you want to be.
Well, we’re halfway there. Stay tuned for the next 5 “secrets” in Part Two of “10 Secrets to a Happy Marriage.”
Secret #One - Ability to Make Sacrifices:
You might need some marriage advice if your partner frequently has to tell you “it’s not always about you.” That may be a pretty good indication that they feel you are selfish and self centered. It may be time to ask yourself if you are willing to make sacrifices necessary to make your relationship work. Do you remember to kid who always had to have it their way whenever you played toys together? The girl always had to be the popular one, or the “princess”, while you were one of the “servants.” The guy always had to be the king, or get to play with the best toy, while you were stuck with being the “court jester”, and had to play with the broken toy. And, if you didn’t agree to do it their way they would get upset and not want to play with you. Didn’t you get tired of playing with that person before too long? Well, relationships are a lot like that too.
Relationships don’t last too long when one person always have to have it their way. Resentment tends to creep in and choke the life out of the relationship. There must be a give and take, or back and forth to your relationship. You have to find a way for both of you to “win.” You must both being willing to be the one who makes the sacrifice for the sake of the other person in order to help create an environment for a happy marriage.
Secret #Two - Ability to Compromise:
The next “secret” to a happy marriage is related to the first one – you must have the ability to compromise. Compromise takes sacrifice to the next level. You both agree to disagree and choose the next best thing to what you would have originally preferred. It goes something like: “I know you don’t like sports (even though I’d really like to see the game), and we both don’t want to stay at home tonight” (she wanted to go to a play, which you hate)…”so, how about we go see the concert at the Philharmonic tonight?” See, you both didn’t get your first choice, but you did find a common ground that you did agree on together. Maybe next time you go to the play, and the time after that you both go to the game. I love it when a plan comes together.
Secret #Three - Do Something Just for You:
Another key to having a happy marriage is that on occasion you do something for yourself. While it is important that you do things together as a couple, it is also important that you develop areas of interest on your own. This helps you to keep your relationship interesting and can stop the boredom from setting in. It also can help you appreciate each other more when you have periods of being apart. It makes seeing each other again even more special.
Secret #Four - Maintaining Intimacy and Affection:
Another “secret” to a happy marriage involves maintaining intimacy and affection in your relationship. About 5 years ago I worked with the Healthy Families Program for new mothers and at risk children for abuse and neglect. During my training for helping new mothers bond with their newborn children I learned of some studies about the importance of touch. Specifically, how crucial it was for newborns to have the touch of both the mother and father for the healthy development of the child. Well, the same is true of a romantic relationship. The couple that hugs together, holds hands together, and kisses together...well…you get the idea. It is critical in order to maintain your bond as a couple.
Secret #Five - Ability to Deal with Finances:
The last “secret” to a happy marriage that I will address today is about finances – just the sound of that word gives me a headache. Many people feel that way. But, you can’t bury your head in the sand and hope that all turns out well. You need to plan together and communicate on a regular basis regarding your finances as a couple. If you don’t it is sure to bring your relationship much stress and anxiety. Even when the news is bad, you better talk about it. Trying to avoid bad financial bad news has a way of coming back to haunt you…so you better deal with it straight away.
Many couples don’t talk about their money and just assume the other person will take care of it – THEY WON’T. Talk clearly and often about this. If you don’t talk about you finances it will probably get worse. Debt has a way of mounting with compound interest, fees, and could even lead to small claims court. There you don’t just have to pay your debt. You get to pay court costs and attorney fees too. Oh joy! So take it from me on this one. That is not a place were you want to be.
Well, we’re halfway there. Stay tuned for the next 5 “secrets” in Part Two of “10 Secrets to a Happy Marriage.”
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