- 1). Early in the separation of partners, each should realize there is much hurt from both sides. Don't push the friends idea too soon. Everyone has different times to accept the marriage did not work well for each of you, so allow the other person to seek out the time they will accept you as a friend. Meanwhile there are things to do all by yourself. If your partner will listen, you can share these with him or her. If it is too soon for cordial talk, remember these things and share them when the timing is better.
- 2). Referring to your separated partner as a former spouse puts a different tone to everything. Not only does it sound better to people you are talking to, but if you have children, it will be so much better for them to hear than ex. Your attitude toward this estranged person can be a neutral one if you try to look toward them as a friend and former rather than nasty name calling or ex.
- 3). Set some ground rules for visitation of your children and for yourself. The former spouse should not be treated like he had been before when he is going to enter into a friendship area now. Think of how you would treat a good friend and refer to those ideas for your former partner. The former spouse should not be permitted to stay in your bed. If you have a couch or separate bedroom for him and you are comfortable with him in the same house, your rule is set in that way. Inform your former spouse of these rules beforehand, so there will not be any idea he will be sleeping with you as usual.
- 4). Avoid the places you both went together for several months, if possible. Healing is easier if you don't put salt in the wound. Plan on leaving with a neighbor or relative when your former comes to pick up the children. A special person can relinquish the children for you so you cannot be present for several of the first times after your union has been broken. If you do not have someone you can trust to stay with your children, make it a point to have a rule to pick up only and for your former partner not to stay. With you, taking care of you, some of your needs will be met instead of letting the former set his own thoughts into cement. Remember you are working towards becoming friends and are no longer partners.
- 5). If you are dating someone else, do not flaunt that in the face of the other person. Keep that information to yourself, since you do not want to make your friend feel badly that you have easily moved on from the union so soon.
- 6). Keep your conversations about the past for a counselor, pastor or support group. A divorce is considered a death so there will be grief and anger issues that a relative or friend should not be burdened with until you can have a better grasp on your own feelings and move into being another, more balanced person for those people. If you can avoid talking over past times with your former, that will help you both if you each talk to a support person rather than each other. When you both have done adequate back yard clean up of your lives, you will possibly be able to be friends with each other.
- 7). Know the past is over and the present is happening with the future in the tomorrows. Catch yourself if you want to say anything bad about the past and take a walk or at least take a deep breath knowing that has already gone. Save those remarks for your professionals you see on a regular basis for healing. Keep your present times busy, taking care of yourself so you will remain healthy. Stress and depression have a way of invading a space that is vacant. If you are a good model of becoming a good friend, your partner might follow your good example and be open to being your friend too.
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