The ongoing race for the White House is pathetic.
Everybody talks about change but after the winner is announced we won't see anything different from the crap we've been seeing.
We still won't have health care or campaign reform.
The funds going into warfare and weaponry will dwarf the money going into education.
The elderly will still be shoved aside while massive amounts of money go towards research into Viagra and other similar things.
I'd run but even with money I wouldn't stand a chance.
But if I did, I'd suggest the following sweeping changes.
First, I'd like to see the country run by committee; a rotating one, each appointed for merit in their respective field.
Pay them a decent wage but don't let them get rich for anything done in service to the country.
Is this too much of a stretch? Imagine a farmer in the position of Secretary of Agriculture, a school teacher heading up the Department of Education or a doctor heading up medical concerns? While I'm at it, I'd like to see these positions in our government.
Secretary of Gray Areas-I have yet to attend a meeting where somebody didn't refer to "gray areas" but nobody has ever told me what they are.
If the country is going to have them, it's time we knew.
Department of Convenience Stores-Who determines what crap they offer in 7-11's or Circle K's? Whoever does it, they're messing it up.
All the stuff near the checkout is very bad for us and you can't find the bread.
These places need to be organized.
And clerk wages should be way up due to the possibility of getting plugged selling Camel's.
Ombudsman-I hear this term all the time and it sounds important.
I have no idea what they do but we should have one.
I think it must have a "beer" connection.
Minister of Patience-People are in too much of a hurry.
Slow down, people.
We're only hastening our demise.
Department of Whistleblowers-It could be called the Ratfink Reserves, but we need more people reporting from the inside of big-time corporations.
Too many CEO's are messing with people's heads before making off with the till.
Department of Research into the existence of Bigfoot-I know he's out there.
I want him found and given a decent contract with the Portland Trailblazers.
We haven't had a decent big man in the middle since Walton.
Minister of Alien Abductions-Too many anal probe reports.
If they're going to experiment on our people we should have control over who gets the probe and maybe offer some type of compensation.
My insurance only covers one every five years.
I don't want to have to pay out the ass (pun intended) for an unapproved probing.
Department of Wizards-Why not? Nothing else is working.
Department of Good Faith-We're always being asked to accept things on "good faith" but nobody can tell me what the hell that is.
Some even point out examples of bad faith.
We need standards.
How can we have "faith-based initiatives" without them? Secretary of Lawn Ornaments- Mine disappear like clockwork.
Where the hell are these things going? I think it has some connection with the anal probes but it's time to stop speculation.
I want my birdbath back.
Department of Nonsense-I'd probably just keep the Bush people in place.
They've got this one wired.
But, these are just daydreams.
I'd never get through the debates.
You cannot call somebody a slime-ball or say "what the f###?" on national television.
Besides, I inhaled.
Everybody talks about change but after the winner is announced we won't see anything different from the crap we've been seeing.
We still won't have health care or campaign reform.
The funds going into warfare and weaponry will dwarf the money going into education.
The elderly will still be shoved aside while massive amounts of money go towards research into Viagra and other similar things.
I'd run but even with money I wouldn't stand a chance.
But if I did, I'd suggest the following sweeping changes.
First, I'd like to see the country run by committee; a rotating one, each appointed for merit in their respective field.
Pay them a decent wage but don't let them get rich for anything done in service to the country.
Is this too much of a stretch? Imagine a farmer in the position of Secretary of Agriculture, a school teacher heading up the Department of Education or a doctor heading up medical concerns? While I'm at it, I'd like to see these positions in our government.
Secretary of Gray Areas-I have yet to attend a meeting where somebody didn't refer to "gray areas" but nobody has ever told me what they are.
If the country is going to have them, it's time we knew.
Department of Convenience Stores-Who determines what crap they offer in 7-11's or Circle K's? Whoever does it, they're messing it up.
All the stuff near the checkout is very bad for us and you can't find the bread.
These places need to be organized.
And clerk wages should be way up due to the possibility of getting plugged selling Camel's.
Ombudsman-I hear this term all the time and it sounds important.
I have no idea what they do but we should have one.
I think it must have a "beer" connection.
Minister of Patience-People are in too much of a hurry.
Slow down, people.
We're only hastening our demise.
Department of Whistleblowers-It could be called the Ratfink Reserves, but we need more people reporting from the inside of big-time corporations.
Too many CEO's are messing with people's heads before making off with the till.
Department of Research into the existence of Bigfoot-I know he's out there.
I want him found and given a decent contract with the Portland Trailblazers.
We haven't had a decent big man in the middle since Walton.
Minister of Alien Abductions-Too many anal probe reports.
If they're going to experiment on our people we should have control over who gets the probe and maybe offer some type of compensation.
My insurance only covers one every five years.
I don't want to have to pay out the ass (pun intended) for an unapproved probing.
Department of Wizards-Why not? Nothing else is working.
Department of Good Faith-We're always being asked to accept things on "good faith" but nobody can tell me what the hell that is.
Some even point out examples of bad faith.
We need standards.
How can we have "faith-based initiatives" without them? Secretary of Lawn Ornaments- Mine disappear like clockwork.
Where the hell are these things going? I think it has some connection with the anal probes but it's time to stop speculation.
I want my birdbath back.
Department of Nonsense-I'd probably just keep the Bush people in place.
They've got this one wired.
But, these are just daydreams.
I'd never get through the debates.
You cannot call somebody a slime-ball or say "what the f###?" on national television.
Besides, I inhaled.
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