So you have a friend who has just shared with you that she is going to pursue adopting a child.
Whether this is her first child or tenth, the decision is personal and special to her.
She may be laden with fears while simultaneously excited.
She could be eager to talk about her feelings and the situation, or hesitant to discuss it.
As her friend, it is natural to have questions and be curious about the how this whole adoption thing works.
You could be worried about seeing her hurt or disappointed.
But respect her privacy and allow her to share what she is willing in her own time.
I've provided some things that most adoptive moms have been asked from well-intentioned best friends to curious strangers.
Regardless of who says them, the remarks still hurt.
Be a true friend by being aware of what not to say during this precious time in your friend's life.
[1] Why is she giving her baby up? What is her story? [2] Do you think she takes drugs or smokes? Do you know what that can do to a baby? [3] How much does she drink do you think? [4] Has she even seen a doctor while she's pregnant? [5] Does she have mental issues? [6] What does it say about a person who can give her baby to a total stranger? [7] What if she decides she wants her back? [8] Hasn't she ever heard of birth control? [9] Where is her family? Do you wonder why her parents don't want to raise the baby? [10] Does she expect you to pay for all of her medical expenses? Are you sure she's not just using you and then going to change her mind at the last minute? I've heard of that happening.
[11] What if she changes her mind? How could you not give her the child back? [12] If she gets pregnant again will she just presume you are willing to raise that baby as well? [13] Aren't you scared to death that if she sees her she will want her back.
I don't think agreeing to meetings will help anyone involved.
[14] Isn't it kind of cold that she doesn't even want to see photos of her baby? [15] How sure are you that she is really being honest about what she shares? [16] What is her ethnicity? Did you ever wonder what her motive is in giving her child to you? [17] How can she keep her other children and give him up? [18] She just torturing herself by wanting to have an open adoption.
Wouldn't everyone be better off if she just stayed out of the picture? [19] Do you think there are parts of her medical history she's not telling you about? [20] What can you possibly tell your child about his birth mom some day that won't make him feel bad? If you are the friend of a mom who is adopting you may have read a few of the comments above and remember saying them.
Or perhaps some were on the tip of your tongue and you held back because it just didn't feel like the right thing to say.
Maybe some of these comments horrified you and you cannot even image anyone saying them.
Sadly, most adoptive moms have heard them, though from different sources.
I personally want to say thanks for being a caring friend and reading this article.
Explain to your friend who is adopting, "I really care about you and am excited about your adoption.
But I don't always know what okay to say or what may be tacky.
Please let me know when I stick my foot in my mouth so I don't do it again.
" None of us are perfect, but we can care enough to be informed.
That's the best gift we can give to a friend.
Whether this is her first child or tenth, the decision is personal and special to her.
She may be laden with fears while simultaneously excited.
She could be eager to talk about her feelings and the situation, or hesitant to discuss it.
As her friend, it is natural to have questions and be curious about the how this whole adoption thing works.
You could be worried about seeing her hurt or disappointed.
But respect her privacy and allow her to share what she is willing in her own time.
I've provided some things that most adoptive moms have been asked from well-intentioned best friends to curious strangers.
Regardless of who says them, the remarks still hurt.
Be a true friend by being aware of what not to say during this precious time in your friend's life.
[1] Why is she giving her baby up? What is her story? [2] Do you think she takes drugs or smokes? Do you know what that can do to a baby? [3] How much does she drink do you think? [4] Has she even seen a doctor while she's pregnant? [5] Does she have mental issues? [6] What does it say about a person who can give her baby to a total stranger? [7] What if she decides she wants her back? [8] Hasn't she ever heard of birth control? [9] Where is her family? Do you wonder why her parents don't want to raise the baby? [10] Does she expect you to pay for all of her medical expenses? Are you sure she's not just using you and then going to change her mind at the last minute? I've heard of that happening.
[11] What if she changes her mind? How could you not give her the child back? [12] If she gets pregnant again will she just presume you are willing to raise that baby as well? [13] Aren't you scared to death that if she sees her she will want her back.
I don't think agreeing to meetings will help anyone involved.
[14] Isn't it kind of cold that she doesn't even want to see photos of her baby? [15] How sure are you that she is really being honest about what she shares? [16] What is her ethnicity? Did you ever wonder what her motive is in giving her child to you? [17] How can she keep her other children and give him up? [18] She just torturing herself by wanting to have an open adoption.
Wouldn't everyone be better off if she just stayed out of the picture? [19] Do you think there are parts of her medical history she's not telling you about? [20] What can you possibly tell your child about his birth mom some day that won't make him feel bad? If you are the friend of a mom who is adopting you may have read a few of the comments above and remember saying them.
Or perhaps some were on the tip of your tongue and you held back because it just didn't feel like the right thing to say.
Maybe some of these comments horrified you and you cannot even image anyone saying them.
Sadly, most adoptive moms have heard them, though from different sources.
I personally want to say thanks for being a caring friend and reading this article.
Explain to your friend who is adopting, "I really care about you and am excited about your adoption.
But I don't always know what okay to say or what may be tacky.
Please let me know when I stick my foot in my mouth so I don't do it again.
" None of us are perfect, but we can care enough to be informed.
That's the best gift we can give to a friend.
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