See Also:Latest Late-Night Jokes

"The man in charge of investigating the 2012 Secret Service prostitution scandal has quit after he himself was caught with a prostitute — which explains why President Obama just appointed an irony czar." -Jimmy Fallon

"The investigator who led the probe in the Secret Service prostitution scandal was caught with a prostitute. When cops found them together, he said, 'Hey, I'm investigating here.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was actually in his office yesterday. He met with his Secret Service director to talk about the recent White House security breaches. First they had to address the elephant in the room. Not metaphorically — an actual elephant wandered into the room. Security's just awful." –Jimmy Fallon

"Secret Service Director Julia Pierson stepped down after two major security breaches at the White House. It turns out Pierson's first job was actually as a costumed character at Disney World. I'm guessing the character was Sleeping Beauty." –Jimmy Fallon

"Pierson told her colleagues that the Secret Service actually needed to be more friendly and inviting like Disney World. I guess that's why all White House intruders got a $30 photo of themselves hopping the fence." –Jimmy Fallon

"Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned, and in her closing statement she said, 'I'm leaving, not because of the breaches in security, but I don't think I can take the pressure of the upcoming trick-or-treaters.'" –David Letterman

"After all the recent security problems at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, officially resigned yesterday. When asked what she'll do next, Pierson said she just wants to go home and spend some quality time letting strangers in her own house for a while." –Jimmy Fallon

"The head of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned yesterday. We found out that she once worked at Disney World. She said she preferred working at the White House because people didn't have to wait in line to get in." -Conan O'Brien

"We also learned the new head of the Secret Service used to work for cable company Comcast. So now intruders can only sneak into the White House between the hours of 10:00 and 2:00." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama may close the Guantanamo prison. When asked how he plans on letting the prisoners out, Obama said, 'I'll replace all the guards with Secret Service agents.' They'll just wander out." –Jimmy Fallon

"After all the recent security breaches at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, resigned today. She said she'll miss being in the White House, but knowing the Secret Service, she should be able to come back any time she wants. The door is always open, literally." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Secret Service let an armed ex-convict ride on the same elevator as President Obama. No word yet on which NFL player it was." –Conan O'Brien

"Today the Secret Service director submitted her resignation. Actually she jumped the White House fence, ran across the lawn, dove through a window, and handed it to the president." –Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service maintains they can use lethal force to stop someone from entering the White House. After hearing this, President Obama invited tea party leaders over for lunch." –Conan O'Brien

"Autumn is a beautiful time of year. At the White House, squirrels are rounding up nuts on the lawn, which is more than the Secret Service is doing." –David Letterman

"Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned. She hopped the fence and thanked President Obama." –David Letterman

"A few weeks ago President Obama was riding in an elevator, and it turns out a guy on the elevator had a gun. This is pretty scary stuff. Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary." –David Letterman 

"Today the director of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned. She's being replaced by the White House's new state-of-the-art security system – a scarecrow." –Seth Meyers

"Julia Pierson resigned but she remained in good spirits on her way out. She even politely held the door for some weird guy who was coming in." –Seth Meyers

"It was reported today that the recent security breaches at the White House could cost the director of the Secret Service her job. Luckily, after she's escorted out of the building, it should be pretty easy for her to get back in." –Seth Meyers

"The Secret Service is considering several new measures to keep people from trying to get into the White House. The first thing they're going to do to keep people out is put up a sign that says 'Blockbuster Video.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service is under scrutiny after a man jumped a fence and entered the White House. In their defense, when they saw a crazed maniac running down the White House lawn, they assumed it was Biden." –Craig Ferguson

"The Secret Service is under investigation after two different men made it onto the White House grounds this weekend after jumping the fence. Said President Obama, 'Jumping the fence, huh? Why didn't I think of that?'" –Seth Meyers